Day 9: Girl vs. Pad Thai

Since my office has no windows and I've been eating lunch at my desk for weeks, I discovered how gorgeous the weather was today just in time for the sun to set. Desperate to enjoy it, I raced home from work, grabbed a glass of wine, and ran out to the porch to savor the last few minutes of the day. It was incredibly relaxing until the sun went down... five minutes later. As it got darker, the dog stopped roaming the yard and parked at my side. Our neighbor-squirrel sat directly above us on a branch, chirping angrily at Gracie and taunting her by dropping various tree bits on us. Then the cicadas chimed in with their horrifically menacing sounds. I couldn't tell if they were bugs or tons of miniature Predators, lurking in the shadows waiting to feast on my soul.

Since the wilderness had turned against us, we decided to seek shelter indoors. Amped up on adrenaline, I decided it was time to take on Pad Thai. I should also inform you that I've never had Pad Thai before, so I have no idea what it's supposed to look or taste like, much less how to make it properly. Here's how it went:

Here's how it should look.

Vegan Pad Thai (serves one second-grade basketball team)

1) Cook 1 pack of rice noodles. They'll stick to each other, turn the water an awful shade of white, and take too long to cook, but they'll turn out great. Patience, young grasshopper.

2) Whisk together 1/4 cup of soy sauce, 4 tablespoons of peanut butter, 1/3 cup of lime juice, 2 tablespoons of hot sauce, and 1/4 cup of Agave syrup. Yes, I'm serious. I'm 90% sure that this dish started as a frat house dare. "Bro, you lost at beer pong so now you have to drink whatever leftover condiments I stir into this Solo cup." Once you whisk it all up, it doesn't look that bad, but nothing about the process feels right at first. Also, you could only find peculiarly tiny limes at the grocery store, but they were 10 for $1 so you stocked up - and it's a good thing you did, because it took 5 limes, 20 minutes, and one pulled muscle to get 1/3 cup of juice.

3) Sautee 1 block of cubed tempeh, 1 diced onion, and 4 cloves of minced garlic in 2 tablespoons of sesame oil. You'll know that it says "until the onions are clear," but it quickly becomes obvious that you and the recipe's author have drastically different definitions of what translucent means. You'll also have no idea if you're overcooking the tempeh, because you're still not even sure what it is in the first place. Furthermore, you've heard horror stories about overcooked garlic (yet another thing the internet hates), but for the love of god, you'll swear the onions are getting whiter.

4) Add the cooked, drained noodles to the pan of bro elixer. Stir well and allow sauce to thicken as it cooks for about 3 minutes. The onions will continue to mock you with their non-clearness.

5) Top with crushed cashews and green onions. Serve in an enormous bowl and break a sweat trying to stir it. Fair warning: doing the dishes will take six times longer, because the sauce is basically Gorilla Glue once it sets.

This was spicy and good. I won't pretend it was my favorite thing I've ever eaten, but I should have taken the liberty to ditch the recipe and add a bunch of extra veggies. Some broccoli, peppers, or even peas would have been a great addition. Again, I have no idea what good Pad Thai tastes like... my only experience came from this homemade bowl of slightly mushy confusion. When asked how I liked it, I just kept saying "it's weird. It's not bad... it's just... weird. Not in a bad way. Just... in a weird way." Who needs a food review when you have descriptive eloquence like that?