Day 10: Frequency Illusions 101

There’s a term in psychology called the frequency illusion (I would know, because I was a Psych minor in college, so I’m basically a doctor now). It refers to the moment when something that has recently come to your attention suddenly seems to appear with improbably frequency. For example, someone buys a new car then suddenly starts to see the same model everywhere they go. Did everyone else in the city follow your lead and purchase that exact car right after you did? No. We, as humans, are really just mindless, self-centered drones who only worry about themselves. What does all of this psychobabble have to do with this blog, you ask? Well, for one… I don’t feel like cooking tonight, so you won’t get to enjoy my many uneducated failures. So, to satiate your hungry minds, here’s how my entire day was one big anti-vegan frequency illusion:

1.  I walked into work feeling great. I had woken up early, gone to the gym, and even resisted the urge to spend an obscene amount of money on a cup of soy-soaked espresso at Starbucks. I marched into our break room to put my lunch into the fridge and that’s when I saw them. Four giant boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, their lids wide open to display a cumulative 8 million calories of deliciousness. (If I’m not mistaken, these donuts are brought in every few weeks by an awesome volunteer. Yes, you read that correctly. There is a person so nice that they not only donate their time to the shelter, but also feed us pricey donuts on a monthly basis.) Every type of doughnut sat there taunting me, wafting their intoxicating smells in my direction. After I let a [metaphorical] tear roll down my cheek, I put my lunch in the fridge and pouted my way through breakfast (it was blueberries in applesauce if you must know, and yes, you can try that yourself, because it’s awesome. I invented it in grade school. Patent pending.). It wasn’t a great start, but surely that would be the end of my woes, right?
   
2. It was Health & Wellness Fair day at the shelter, so we all had the option to get a free flu shot and mingle with representatives from all of our various providers (healthcare, dental, insurance, etc.). After great debate, I decided to get a flu shot. It requires some paperwork and one of the last boxes on the form was “are you allergic to eggs?” Now, I take that to mean that I’m now harboring an omelet in my bicep, but I’m betting some scientists would disagree. Perhaps there is nothing egg-related in vaccines and the guy making the form is just pranking the entire country. “Hahaha, watch this, I bet those idiots will actually check yes or no. People are such mindless, self-centered drones.” Either way, my first incidence of vegan-cheating wasn’t me closet-eating string cheese… it was me mainlining eggs.
   
3. After the shot, I began visiting the provider booths. “Take some snacks!” said the dental provider with gelatin-based gummy snacks. “Grab a piece of candy!” said the investment representative as she polished off a Three Musketeers. It was like high school peer pressure all over again. It took every ounce of my consciousness to not regress to a nervous 15-year-old and yell “I DON’T WANT TO TOILET PAPER THE SCHOOL WITH YOU GUYS!!” and run out of the room with my hands over my ears.
   
4. Before retreating to my office – my vegan safe place – I stopped in the breakroom to fill up my water bottle. I turned around to see a box of butter-drizzled breadsticks, Papa John’s cheese pizza, and a literal pyramid of mayo-slathered subs, all of which were now stacked on top of the remaining Krispy Kremes. It was like a horror movie. I could hear the “you’re about to be stabbed in the shower” music. In a building full of hardworking people, leftovers are rare and go very quickly, yet here I was, standing in front of all of my weaknesses at once (wondering if it’s non-vegan to just smell them).

At this point you’re thinking “it’s a good thing Allie isn’t dramatic!” and you’re right about that. A lesser soul would have caved under these insurmountable pressures, but luckily I was born with nerves of steel – and a healthy fear of disappointing my loved ones.

In all seriousness, I am a little proud that I didn’t give in today and I’m surprised at how much easier a diet is when you have such a strict delineation of what you can and cannot eat. Saying “I’m going to start eating healthier” rarely gets you anywhere. You just end up leaving the lettuce and tomato on your cheese burger instead of taking it off for once. So far, we’ve committed to an entirely vegan diet for 10 days (that’s exactly 10 more cheeseless days than I ever imagined my life would entail) and it feels pretty damn good.

I imagine this duck's cabin is fully insured.

At the end of the day, I did get two very pro-vegan surprises that made me extremely happy. The first: I won a raffle from the wellness fair and got to choose from a gym bag (too small), a yoga mat (already have two), a t-shirt (already have two million), a little Aflac duck (too tiny), or a big Alfac duck wearing a flannel hat (I’LL TAKE THE FLANNEL DUCK, BOB!). When I squeeze my new prize, Gilbert Gottfried screams the company’s name three times, making it the perfect balance of obnoxious and great. The second surprise I received was a large slice of vegan lemon poppy seed cake from Outpost. No matter what sort of diet you’re accustom to, this cake is the greatest and the frosting is unbelievably good. I owe a big thank you to my coworker, Jenny, for helping me refocus on the many great options I do have instead of concentrating on all the junk I can’t eat. I just might survive after all.