Day 23: Sky Mall

Nope. Still no recipes. I got home from work too late to grocery shop, so we challenged ourselves to make dinner with whatever was already in our nearly barren pantry. The obvious choice was spaghetti with marinara sauce... supplemented with a jar of pizza sauce. I got the brilliant idea to make tempeh meatballs. Unfortunately, there are about eighty different tempeh meatball recipes online, all of which call for at least a dozen ingredients and an hour in either the oven, steamer, or some sort of kiln. Ain't nobody got time for that. Instead, I decided to just drop the tempeh in a pan, cook it with a little oil and Earth Butter (because I don't know, that's why), and throw in heaps of pre-mixed seasonings before combining it all with the pizza sauce. The final product: something weird, nutty, and bland. But hey, it was... food.

Let's move onto something that is NOT food-related, but is still wildly adored by all: SKY MALL.

The best part about air travel is perusing Sky Mall, looking at ridiculously priced items that probably shouldn't exist in the first place. Does the world really need a $400 picture frame that goes around your TV to help it "seamlessly blend with your decor?" No. Would anyone actually purchase a 76" media storage tower that can hold 2,262 CDs, 936 DVDs, or 528 VHS tapes? I hope not. Who cares about a robot that cleans your windows? ...Me, actually. Can I borrow $399?

Let's take a look at a few of my favorite bad ideas in Sky Mall. (If you own any of the items listed below, please know that I only tease because I secretly wish I possessed all of these treasures.)

The Human Slingshot
For just $99.99, you can purchase this elastic injury-machine to ensure your child gets at least a dozen concussions before they graduate from high school! The description says that this 66" x 126" band is part of an "exhilarating, fast-paced game that involves four people slinging each other back and forth," but why stop there when you could plop your teenagers directly into a Roman catapult? I think the reviewer named Kimbojoe really captured the essence of this product best: "I bought this for my son, who is 15, but we have been using it! It's super fun and good exercise. A bit dangerous for a 40 something woman and a bunch of drunks, but given only 1 hurt shoulder and 1 bloody nose, it was well worth it!" Party on, Kimbojoe.

One of a Kind Shirt
Ahh yes. The outfit of choice for a classy circus clown who needs a night away from the big top. I can't get through the description without thinking I'm getting Punk'd. "These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties, or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd." Well, yes, I'll definitely agree that you would stand out in a crowd, but unfortunately I don't even think Snooki would hang out with you while you're rocking this sweet "piece of art." Thinking of requesting your own horrendous combination of scrap fabrics? No such luck... the colors and patterns aren't revealed until the package is opened. P.S. This costs $129.99, but if you buy two they'll only charge you $199.99.

Nano-UV Portable Disinfection Wand
Men in Black meets Monk? Sorry, germaphobes, but if a $160 wand could effectively kill every microorganism in sight, this product would be a staple in every American home by now. I'm sure it's fun to pretend you're Luke Skywalker, but this glorified night light is never going to save you from produce bugs, public restrooms, or the unspeakable horrors of a hotel bedspread.

The Peeing Boy of Brussels
Nope. Everything about this, nope. The description says "this delightful sculpture will bring timeless art to your home or garden," but let's not overlook the fact that you would have a four-foot statue of a child urinating in your front yard. Sure, Duquesnoy may have thought this was cute when he created the original statue in 1619, but the whole point of civilization is realizing that some things just weren't meant to withstand the test of time. If you decide to ignore my warnings and put this concerning piece of faux stone in your lawn, just know that it will cost you $229 - and your kids will complain when their friends' parents don't let them come over anymore.

Cat Toilet Training System
I have nothing to say except: do they offer overnight delivery?