Day 18: The lizard edition

I can't believe we haven't even been in Florida for 24 hours yet. I'm already exhausted; we've done so much. I've been attending conference sessions, dining at the Jacksonville Landing, watching the sun set over St. John's River, baking in the sauna, roasting in the hot tub, and floating in the rooftop pool while staring at the stars. Stressful, I know.

Rather than bore you with the same old song and dance (you get it, it's hard to be vegan on vacation), I just want to call attention to my favorite part of Jacksonville... the lizards! I've learned that all my tiny little buddies are called anoles. They are brown/green, very tiny, and super fast. They're sort of like city squirrels; they sit out in the public and don't care if you see them. For some reason, all you want to do is catch one - and make it your best friend. The trouble is, they go zero to sixty in the time it takes you to blink. Also, you have no idea what you'd do if you caught one, but it's fun to pretend that he would just sit in your hand and talk to you in a British accent.

One of the things I admire most about the lizards is their penchant for pranking. If you're walking down the street, it's guaranteed that for every 10 uninterrupted steps you take, a lizard will juke you out at least three times. Their go-to moves are: blending into the curb then suddenly darting in front of you so you seemingly trip over yourself OR (this one's my favorite) hiding silently then rustling the entire bush as you pass, making you think that a pterodactyl-sized predator is waiting for you in the shrubbery. They just want to remind you that you're alive, and I appreciate that.

You guys tired of me talking about lizards yet? Ok, I'll wrap it up. But first... one more lizard thing. Here's a lizard photobomb. We had no clue at the time, we were just trying to get a good shot of the guy on the black plastic (and failed), but I almost died of joy-overload when I found his photo-crashing buddy in the background when looking at the pictures later. It's the simple things in life.

Day 17: So this is where the players play.

As I'm writing this, we're sitting in Atlanta, eating pumpkin seeds and cashews as we wait out our layover to Jacksonville. As it turns out, airports aren’t nearly as vegan friendly as I thought they’d be. Unless you’re amped about eating fruit cups and original Lays, you’d better be ready for full-on Hunger Games.

Unrelated note: how awesome would it be to drive one of those courtesy shuttles at an airport? Sure, it would be frustrating navigating around people, knowing that you’d be insta-sued if you so much as grazed a pedestrian’s pant leg, but it’s safe to say that driving any sort of vehicle indoors is worth whatever potential lawsuit that may result. Growing up, you weren't even allowed to dribble a basketball in the house and now your job is to fly down hallways in an oversized golf cart, honking at anyone who gets in your way. Livin’ the dream!

Oh yeah, the food. We walked past a pizza place. Not so surprisingly, they didn’t have any cheeseless, pesto pizza. We didn’t bother checking the Quiznos menu and blew right past Five Guys Burgers.  We had hope for the Miller Time Brew Pub. We could get the taco salad! Just without the cheese. Or sour cream. Or chipotle mayo drizzle. Or the actual chili that goes on top. If you’re keeping score at home, that would leave us with a plate of mixed greens topped with onions. Mmmm!

Always read the fine print.

I knew there was a Chili's outside of our gate and figured we could get chips and salsa, if nothing else. Their menu was outrageously carnivorous, even by my normal standards. Even the appetizers hinged on meat or cheese, and it’s basically a guarantee that everything on an airport Chili's menu is microwaved in the plastic bag it arrived in. Demanding that your egg rolls arrive without chicken in them would almost certainly result in an already-unhappy waitress performing an autopsy on your pre-cooked meal, spooning out anything that looks meat-like, and scotch-taping it back together. But alas, the fine print saved the day. Written in size .05 font at the bottom of the menu was “Black bean burgers can be substituted for any burger on the menu.” We were saved! Did their burger end up looking like a beige hockey puck? Sure. Did it taste like absence and disappointment? You bet. But we beat the system!

[[...Time to board...]]

It’s approximately 15 minutes later and we’re a mile above Atlanta. Fun story: we may or may not have spent our entire layover giggling at the people shamelessly sprinting between terminals, dragging their screaming toddlers and tripping over their over-sized bags. Then we realized our plane should have started boarding by now. Then we wondered why our gate was so empty. (You see what’s happening here.) Our gate had changed and we had gone from being the first ones “there” to the absolute last. Speed-walking (how could we run after all the hell we gave those poor people?) the 15-gate haul to where our plane actually was. It’s never a good sign when there’s an employee standing in the middle of the concourse yelling “Yoder & Christman?” while you’re still 3 gates away. The up side: we didn’t have to bother with those pesky boarding lines! Beatin’ the system, once again. 

In conclusion, I'm still pretty bummed that Jermaine Dupri didn't personally welcome us to Atlanta, but to be fair, he sounds like a very busy man.

Day 16: Vegan stress eating

I'm in full-on stress mode. I've got a house to clean, infinite loads of laundry to do, bags to pack, and - most anxiety-inducing of all - I have a presentation to polish. Scott and I are heading to Jacksonville where I'll be attending and speaking at a conference. Scott, on the other hand, will be spending those days at the hotel's rooftop pool, basking in the Florida sun and somehow getting even tanner. Since I'm a giant mess, I didn't dare add a new vegan recipe to my to-do list today. The good news is: Scott finally agreed to try eating vegan at Qdoba! My life may never be the same.

Earlier this week, I heard about Qdoba's Mexican Gumbo. It's a bowl of the cilantro-lime rice mixed with their tortilla soup, topped with beans, salsa, tortilla chips, and whatever else you want. Their soup isn't made with chicken broth, so it's entirely vegan, and I highly suggest getting their roasted chili corn salsa. All of these items combined make for one seriously delicious and incredibly filling meal. It was even Scott-approved! If you get the gumbo as a craft 2, it's only 275 calories - give or take a few cals depending on your toppings. I paired mine with two black bean tacos topped with pico de gallo, guacamole, and lettuce. I'm fairly confident I shed a single tear as I finished my last bite. I never wanted that meal to end. Who knew I'd love Qdoba even more after we went vegan?! Maybe I really could pull this off long-term...

Oh, you want to know what Scott ordered? Well... I had already pouted atop the mountain of laundry and made him drive to Qdoba alone while I stayed home in my sweatpants. Then he successfully gave my complex order. Then he watched helplessly as the distracted worker instinctively added sour cream to my tacos. Then he watched the guy immediately toss the whole thing in the garbage rather than simply scrape the sour cream off the top as suggested. Then he had to give my complex order all over again. At this point, he'd lost all patience for the process and left without ordering any dinner for himself. But he did get to have the last of the Black Bean & Butternut Squash Burrito leftovers, so at least the night wasn't a total wash... right, Scotty?

Well, I have to go stress out for a few days now. Aren't you excited to hear what sort of riveting material I come up with while dining on airport food? Yeah, me neither.

Day 15: I've got the mac-gic in me

There's no time for an intro! You need to get this recipe into your brain immediately - no pointless Allie ramblings beforehand. Tonight I attempted - no, conquered - my first batch of Vegan Mac & Cheese. As Murphy's Law would have it, I shopped for one recipe's ingredients on Sunday, then got three drastically different recipes sent my way in the next 24 hours. There was no turning back now - after all, I had bought shallots.

It's a strange recipe, but I'm realizing that is a common theme for all of the best vegan dishes. I've learned to trust the process. There's no fake cheese, just a boatload of incredibly random ingredients that end up tasting cheesy due to science or sorcery that I'll never comprehend. Here's how it goes:

Vegan Macaroni & Cheese 
(serves two adults without any self control, or 4 normal people)
Follow this link to view the original recipe & ingredients list. If you're crazy enough to sift through my ramblings, read on and I love you.

Photo credit: This Is Vegan.
Additional note: this is vegan!

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. The recipe won't tell you this until step 3, so you'll invent some new curse words under your breath as you wait eons for your ancient oven to warm up later. 
2. In a large pot, bring water to a boil. Add salt if you want. Once boiling, add noodles and cook until al dente (because cooking isn't confusing enough without Italian instructions). Drain pasta and rinse with cold water. Set aside. Or eat the cooked noodles like a bowl of popcorn while you stare blankly out the window. Then set aside. (You should really get more sleep.)
3. In a food processor, make breadcrumbs. Despite the promise of the $10 price tag, the food processor you bought only holds about 6 teaspoons at a time. Instead, you'll tear up 4 slices of bread and add 2 tablespoons of Earth Balance (or whatever non-butter you have) to your Ninja blender. If anything can turn bread into crumbs, it's gotta be something called a "ninja," right? You are correct.
4. In a saucepan, add 2 tablespoons of chopped/peeled shallots, 1 cup of chopped/peeled butternut squash (or potatoes), 1/4 cup of chopped carrots, 1/3 cup of chopped/peeled onions, and 1.5 cups of water. Bring it to a boil. Cover the pan and simmer for 15 minutes until the vegetables are very soft. Now that your eyes have swollen shut from the trauma of shallot gas, your other senses will heighten. (Side note: don't our senses exist specifically to keep us alive? Who was the first person to cut open a shallot and say to themselves "wow, my eyes feel like they're bleeding now, so I should definitely eat this!"?) Feed your dog the leftover carrot bits. Thank your fiance for wrestling the squash into cubes for you. Yell at your cat for batting onion skins around the house.
5. In a blender, process 1/4 cup raw cashews, 2 teaspoons salt, 1/4 teaspoon minced garlic, 1/3 cup margarine, 1/4 teaspoon Dijon mustard, 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice, 1/4 teaspoon black pepper, and 1/8 teaspoon of cayenne. Take a moment to be honest with your feelings at this point. "I bought a whole jar of dijon mustard so I could use exactly one dew drop?" "Do people really have devices that can measure 1/8 teaspoon?" "How many times did someone royally screw up this recipe while inventing it the first time?" Now let those feelings go, because greatness is nearly upon you, young squire.
6. Add the cooked vegetables (with the cooking water) to the blender. Process until perfectly smooth. You won't have to worry about that, because the Ninja wouldn't dream of leaving you with clumpy sauce.
7. In a large bowl, toss the cooked pasta with the cheese sauce until completely coated. Cautiously try a noodle. Watch as the world goes dark and you can practically see how good your concoction tastes. Shamelessly shovel a few dozen forkfuls into your face before yelling "no more!" through a mouth full of cheesy greatness.
8. Spread the noodles into a 9x12 casserole dish, sprinkle with breadcrumbs, and dust with paprika. Because this recipe was written by Tinkerbell.
9. Bake for 30 minutes or until the cheese sauce is bubbling and the top has turned golden brown.  Or until your separation anxiety grows too overwhelming and you can't help but reach your fork into an oven for just one more bite of scalding hot deliciousness.

Have I made it clear that I am in love with this yet? I can't count how many times I said gave my expert opinion of "this is so good... no seriously, this is SO GOOD." We stood at the oven and ate straight out of the pan for a while. Scott kept saying "This is really good. I feel like we shouldn't be eating it." His mind almost imploded when I told him here wasn't a single ounce of fake cheese in it. If Pad Thai was invented as a frat house prank, I can only assume that vegan mac & cheese was created by NASA. No one else on this planet could have set out to create this dish from scratch and successfully nailed down the recipe before they died. I would LOVE to see the vault of failed attempts. "Boil one mango, add thirty packets of ketchup, hand-squeeze 63 ounces of beet juice, add 1/4 teaspoon of Dijon mustard - OH MY GOD THAT ACTUALLY WORKED."

If you're like me, you'll want access to gallon drums of this stuff. I suggest preparing multiple pans, keeping the extras in the fridge, and simply grinding up breadcrumbs before you put it in the oven later in the week. One last thing: If you access the original recipe that I linked to above, do pay close attention to the ingredients list. Margarine, salt, and water are all on there multiple times, so it's easy to get confused in the heat of battle. Or maybe you're just a fully functioning adult who doesn't confuse the need for 4 quarts vs. 1 cup of water. Some of us still have trouble getting hot pockets right, ok?!?! (Just kidding, no one can get a hot pocket right. It's always scalding hot and frozen solid at the same time. Probably a NASA invention that wasn't meant for human consumption.) I'm done now.

Day 13: King of the road

On Saturday, we headed north to Wausau to celebrate my grandpa's 90th birthday. My family is spread out across the country, so it was especially great to see everyone in one place for such a major occasion. While we now knew that our favorite beers are vegan, what we didn't account for was party food, gas station snacks, and small-town restaurants. Being on the road provides some unique challenges for a vegan, but it was a great opportunity for us to challenge ourselves. Here's a crash course in my dietary discoveries:

Ate leftover pad thai in the passenger seat. Hadn't even left the driveway yet. Shared a bag of microwave kettle corn on the 3-hour drive. Got to Aunt Cheri's house. Instinctively reached for summer sausage. Mentally slapped myself. Longingly gazed at the cheese tray. Ate a cracker instead. Politely declined a bowl of beef stew. Made a buzzer sound as Scott reached for ranch-seasoned pretzels. Ate more crackers. Avoided the delicious-looking chip dip. Feasted on non-ranch pretzels. Headed to the restaurant. Wondered if anyone would notice me ordering chicken strips. Ordered three sides instead of an entree. Loved it all. Hung out at Grandma's for a while. Said our goodbyes. Stopped at a gas station for snacks. Quickly realized how dependent I was on cheese-based foods. Read lots of ingredients labels. Settled for Gardettos. Also settled for Frito's Honey BBQ Twists (nope, they're technically not vegan because of the honey, but bees aren't my #1 priority and that's its own blog post). Nearly finished both family-sized bags. Blamed it on road hypnosis. Got home at midnight. Went to bed before I could make any more bad choices.

So, was the day a nutritional success? Far from it, but it did help me realize how crazy we, as a culture, are about food. The concept of an "entree" has always meant meat, yet I was completely content with my garden salad, sweet potato fries, and wild rice. I also realized that, despite my life-long assumption, I do not have to eat food simply because it's in front of me at a party. Without getting overly existential, I'll just say that we realized some stuff about our habits that changed the way we looked at food ever so slightly. That being said: I think they lace Honey BBQ Twists with something illegal, because I had to physically pry myself away from that bag of crunchy, sweet deliciousness.

Day 12: The liquid vegan diet

Friday wasn't much of an exploration into the culinary depths of vegan life. In all honesty, I ate leftover Pad Thai (which was greatly improved by the addition of steamed broccoli, carrots, and peas) for lunch and skipped dinner entirely. We went to see Brett Eldredge at The Rave and I was a little more preoccupied with getting to the concert than I was with finding a nutritious meal. Consequentially, my dinner ended up being solely $8 Spotted Cows.

Since I don't have any food-related antics to share with you, I did want to address the most popular question I've been asked since we started the challenge: "can you still drink?" I always answer a little too triumphantly, "yes!" While I doubt any dieticians will claim that alcohol is an important component of the vegan food pyramid, I will admit that it's nice to still enjoy a beer during a Packer game, regardless of our diet.

It's true that some beer and wine are processed with animal by-products, like gelatin (extracted from the skin, bones, and connective tissues of animals), casein (used in processed foods and in adhesives, paints, and other industrial products), and isinglass (a substance obtained from the dried swim bladders of fish). Now, let's just stop here and ask ourselves why would we ever want those things in our bodies in the first place? I'm not one to preach that "your body is your temple," but that doesn't mean I want to voluntarily chug ground up animal bones. For some reason, it just doesn't appeal to me.

This beer is so vegan it even hangs out with vegetables.

The good news is: lots of your favorite drinks are probably already vegan! My most recent discovery is Barnivore.com which will tell you whether your favorite drink is vegan or not, and even gives you quotes directly from the company explaining why. Here's a brief sampling of vegan-friendly beer:

• New Glarus Brewery! - My sighs of relief could be heard from space when I discovered this. Includes Spotted Cow, Fat Squirrel, Staghorn, Totally Naked, and lots more.
• Blue Moon - Includes all flavors of Blue Moon except the Honey Wheat and Honey Moon. It's worth pointing out that the only reason they're not vegan is because of the honey, not because of horse hooves or anything.
• Miller - Includes High Life, MGD, Miller Lite, and Miller Chill.
• Coors - Includes regular and Light. 
• Budweiser - Includes Bud, Bud Light, and even Lime-a-rita, though I do not condone the consumption of those gut bombs.
• Corona, Dos Equis (amber & lager), Schlitz, and many more.

Sorry, Guinness fans, but your beer was filtered with fish guts. Have a good St. Patrick's Day, though!

Day 14: Squash is my new best friend

Way back in the non-vegan days (two weeks ago), our diet consisted mainly of Jimmy Johns, Erbert & Gerbert's, Pizza Hut, or whatever else we could get delivered to our doorstep so we didn't have to pause our 8th consecutive episode of Sons of Anarchy that night. The one place we would strap our boots on for at any hour of the day, was Qdoba. Once they created the Craft 2 menu, I became a mad scientist, desperate to find the most delicious combination of tacos, nachos, or quesadillas. Scott rarely strayed from a giant burrito stuffed with steak, queso, and hot sauce. We were addicted to the stuff and weren't ashamed of it. While I've suggested a few times that we go and try to build our own vegan versions, Scott immediately refuses, assuming it can only end in disappointment. In an attempt to help him realize that a vegan burrito can be delicious, I took yet another brilliant suggestion from Mel Whalen, Food Extraordinaire, and made Black Bean and Butternut Squash Burritos. Here's how it goes:

Yours wont look this pretty, and that's ok. Your burrito is beautiful just the way it is.
Photo credit: Oh She Glows.

Black Bean & Butternut Squash Burritos (makes: 4 delicious bundles of joy)

1. Preheat your oven to 425F and line a large glass dish with tinfoil. As we all know, tinfoil is the best. It entirely eliminates the need to do dishes and should really have more applications in daily life. Press it around the inside of your glass before drinking juice. Wrap it around your favorite pair of new shoes on a rainy day. Make a shirt of it when you babysit puke-prone infants. The possibilities are endless!
2. Peel and cube 1 butternut squash. These instructions will be written quite nonchalantly, giving no warning of the task that's ahead of you. This will be your first time cooking with squash and you'll go into the situation with way too much confidence. After attempting to "peel" the squash with a peeler (why would that work?!), you'll just start hacking off large chunks of it with the biggest knife you can find. Labor-intensive yet gratifying, you will eventually complete the process with a much smaller squash and most of your fingers. (You make a mental note: "invent tiny chainsaw.") After you scoop out the squash guts, you cube it up and place it in the dish. Drizzle with olive oil and add a dash of salt and pepper. Mix with your hands, because no one is here to judge you. Roast for 45 minutes until the squash is tender.
3. Cook 1/2 cup (uncooked) brown rice. You'll forget about this part until after the squash is completely done and you'll find out that the rice takes another 40 minutes to cook. Congratulations, you've just doubled your time in the kitchen for no good reason at all.
4. Saute 1 tablespoon of oil, 1 cup of chopped sweet onion, and 2 cloves of minced garlic in a large skillet. Let cook for 5 minutes on low-medium heat, stirring frequently. Add 1 teaspoon salt, 2 teaspoons ground cumin, and 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper. Stir well.
5. Add 1 chopped red pepper, 1 can of rinsed & drained black beans, and your cooked rice. Saute for another 10 minutes on low. Since you got impatient with your rice and drained it before it was done, this is a good opportunity for it finish cooking.
6. Remove your squash from the oven and let cool slightly. Add 1.5 cups of the cooked squash to the skillet and stir well. You'll start thinking about what to do with the leftovers, but they will magically disappear almost immediately after you set it aside (you'll later realize that you momentarily lost consciousness and ate the whole bowl). Nearly chopping off a few digits seems more than worth it now.
7. Add 3/4 cup of Daiya cheese to the pan. Stir well for a few more minutes until the cheese begins to melt. Scoop the mixture onto a large tortilla with desired toppings (avocado, salsa, spinach, etc.), then swaddle your beautiful creation ever so gently before you devour it. You brought that masterpiece into this world, now take it out.

These are freaking delicious. I can't get over it. If I had the physical capacity, I would have eaten a dozen of these. Scott even said that on a scale of 1 to Qdoba, they're an 8 - and that rating is huge when you consider how much that man loved his steak burritos (and cheese, and sour cream). Whether we're vegan or not in the future, we will definitely be keeping these in our rotation. They do take a little time, but it's so incredibly worth it. Stop whatever you're doing and make these now. You won't regret it.

Day 11: How am I supposed to think of another 19 blog titles this month?

We still don't know who the culprit was,
but my money's on one of these clowns.

I got home from work exhausted and dreading a new recipe. I had already resolved to make leftovers and somehow spice them up (i.e. add a can of peas) so I had a decent story to tell, but all that changed when I walked in the door. I'll save you the gory details, but one of our three animals had a rough day while we were gone. There were not one but five different piles of - well, I promised I'd spare you the details, but needless to say the house smelled disgusting. Luckily, Scott had gotten home first and had to deal with the clean up (though he did say he considered leaving, waiting til I got home, and then acting surprised when he found me cleaning it up). Ah, the joys of parenthood.

Using the excuse that we had to go buy paper towels, we decided that we might as well go out to eat if we were already going to leave the house. My friend, Mel, had suggested (probably less than 48 hours ago) that we try the black bean burger at Wicked Hop, and I've quickly learned that Mel is always right when it comes to matters of food. After all, she was the one who suggested the Mac Attack at the State Fair - a grilled cheese made with ham, bacon, tomato, and mac and cheese. I just... I can't... I don't want to talk about that anymore.

We've been to Wicked Hop countless times. It's our go-to place when we have guests from out of town and want to show them a quality brunch. I'm vehemently against breakfast foods (eggs are disgusting, syrup smells like gut rot, and morning is for the birds), but Scott is madly in love with them. Wicked Hop is the perfect balance for us, because he can get whatever sort of vomlet he wants and I would get their sliders, because it's never too early for cheeseburgers. Plus they've got a great patio and their bloody marys come with a full meal of cheese, beef, and garnish on top. Ya know what? Let's not talk about this either.

It was our first time visiting Wicked Hop for dinner and - thanks to Mel - we barely needed to glance at the menu. We both ordered the veggie burgers and fries, him with peppers on top and me with sauteed mushrooms. They arrived in a hurry and looked as delicious as promised. The burgers were made of black beans and corn, and they rested on a fluffy, golden bun. Can I say definitively that the bun was 100% vegan? Not for sure, but don't take this away from me. The mushrooms were a genius addition (yay me) and I inhaled the burger at light speed. I mean that literally. The great thing about black bean burgers it that you don't have to bother with that whole chewing thing. Everything about it was amazing. We polished off the burgers and managed to eat the entire mountain of deliciously crispy fries they came with, despite protests from our ever-expanding bellies. It goes without saying that we were satisfied with our experience. Ten points for Gryffindor, Mel.

Day 10: Frequency Illusions 101

There’s a term in psychology called the frequency illusion (I would know, because I was a Psych minor in college, so I’m basically a doctor now). It refers to the moment when something that has recently come to your attention suddenly seems to appear with improbably frequency. For example, someone buys a new car then suddenly starts to see the same model everywhere they go. Did everyone else in the city follow your lead and purchase that exact car right after you did? No. We, as humans, are really just mindless, self-centered drones who only worry about themselves. What does all of this psychobabble have to do with this blog, you ask? Well, for one… I don’t feel like cooking tonight, so you won’t get to enjoy my many uneducated failures. So, to satiate your hungry minds, here’s how my entire day was one big anti-vegan frequency illusion:

1.  I walked into work feeling great. I had woken up early, gone to the gym, and even resisted the urge to spend an obscene amount of money on a cup of soy-soaked espresso at Starbucks. I marched into our break room to put my lunch into the fridge and that’s when I saw them. Four giant boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, their lids wide open to display a cumulative 8 million calories of deliciousness. (If I’m not mistaken, these donuts are brought in every few weeks by an awesome volunteer. Yes, you read that correctly. There is a person so nice that they not only donate their time to the shelter, but also feed us pricey donuts on a monthly basis.) Every type of doughnut sat there taunting me, wafting their intoxicating smells in my direction. After I let a [metaphorical] tear roll down my cheek, I put my lunch in the fridge and pouted my way through breakfast (it was blueberries in applesauce if you must know, and yes, you can try that yourself, because it’s awesome. I invented it in grade school. Patent pending.). It wasn’t a great start, but surely that would be the end of my woes, right?
   
2. It was Health & Wellness Fair day at the shelter, so we all had the option to get a free flu shot and mingle with representatives from all of our various providers (healthcare, dental, insurance, etc.). After great debate, I decided to get a flu shot. It requires some paperwork and one of the last boxes on the form was “are you allergic to eggs?” Now, I take that to mean that I’m now harboring an omelet in my bicep, but I’m betting some scientists would disagree. Perhaps there is nothing egg-related in vaccines and the guy making the form is just pranking the entire country. “Hahaha, watch this, I bet those idiots will actually check yes or no. People are such mindless, self-centered drones.” Either way, my first incidence of vegan-cheating wasn’t me closet-eating string cheese… it was me mainlining eggs.
   
3. After the shot, I began visiting the provider booths. “Take some snacks!” said the dental provider with gelatin-based gummy snacks. “Grab a piece of candy!” said the investment representative as she polished off a Three Musketeers. It was like high school peer pressure all over again. It took every ounce of my consciousness to not regress to a nervous 15-year-old and yell “I DON’T WANT TO TOILET PAPER THE SCHOOL WITH YOU GUYS!!” and run out of the room with my hands over my ears.
   
4. Before retreating to my office – my vegan safe place – I stopped in the breakroom to fill up my water bottle. I turned around to see a box of butter-drizzled breadsticks, Papa John’s cheese pizza, and a literal pyramid of mayo-slathered subs, all of which were now stacked on top of the remaining Krispy Kremes. It was like a horror movie. I could hear the “you’re about to be stabbed in the shower” music. In a building full of hardworking people, leftovers are rare and go very quickly, yet here I was, standing in front of all of my weaknesses at once (wondering if it’s non-vegan to just smell them).

At this point you’re thinking “it’s a good thing Allie isn’t dramatic!” and you’re right about that. A lesser soul would have caved under these insurmountable pressures, but luckily I was born with nerves of steel – and a healthy fear of disappointing my loved ones.

In all seriousness, I am a little proud that I didn’t give in today and I’m surprised at how much easier a diet is when you have such a strict delineation of what you can and cannot eat. Saying “I’m going to start eating healthier” rarely gets you anywhere. You just end up leaving the lettuce and tomato on your cheese burger instead of taking it off for once. So far, we’ve committed to an entirely vegan diet for 10 days (that’s exactly 10 more cheeseless days than I ever imagined my life would entail) and it feels pretty damn good.

I imagine this duck's cabin is fully insured.

At the end of the day, I did get two very pro-vegan surprises that made me extremely happy. The first: I won a raffle from the wellness fair and got to choose from a gym bag (too small), a yoga mat (already have two), a t-shirt (already have two million), a little Aflac duck (too tiny), or a big Alfac duck wearing a flannel hat (I’LL TAKE THE FLANNEL DUCK, BOB!). When I squeeze my new prize, Gilbert Gottfried screams the company’s name three times, making it the perfect balance of obnoxious and great. The second surprise I received was a large slice of vegan lemon poppy seed cake from Outpost. No matter what sort of diet you’re accustom to, this cake is the greatest and the frosting is unbelievably good. I owe a big thank you to my coworker, Jenny, for helping me refocus on the many great options I do have instead of concentrating on all the junk I can’t eat. I just might survive after all.

Day 9: Girl vs. Pad Thai

Since my office has no windows and I've been eating lunch at my desk for weeks, I discovered how gorgeous the weather was today just in time for the sun to set. Desperate to enjoy it, I raced home from work, grabbed a glass of wine, and ran out to the porch to savor the last few minutes of the day. It was incredibly relaxing until the sun went down... five minutes later. As it got darker, the dog stopped roaming the yard and parked at my side. Our neighbor-squirrel sat directly above us on a branch, chirping angrily at Gracie and taunting her by dropping various tree bits on us. Then the cicadas chimed in with their horrifically menacing sounds. I couldn't tell if they were bugs or tons of miniature Predators, lurking in the shadows waiting to feast on my soul.

Since the wilderness had turned against us, we decided to seek shelter indoors. Amped up on adrenaline, I decided it was time to take on Pad Thai. I should also inform you that I've never had Pad Thai before, so I have no idea what it's supposed to look or taste like, much less how to make it properly. Here's how it went:

Here's how it should look.

Vegan Pad Thai (serves one second-grade basketball team)

1) Cook 1 pack of rice noodles. They'll stick to each other, turn the water an awful shade of white, and take too long to cook, but they'll turn out great. Patience, young grasshopper.

2) Whisk together 1/4 cup of soy sauce, 4 tablespoons of peanut butter, 1/3 cup of lime juice, 2 tablespoons of hot sauce, and 1/4 cup of Agave syrup. Yes, I'm serious. I'm 90% sure that this dish started as a frat house dare. "Bro, you lost at beer pong so now you have to drink whatever leftover condiments I stir into this Solo cup." Once you whisk it all up, it doesn't look that bad, but nothing about the process feels right at first. Also, you could only find peculiarly tiny limes at the grocery store, but they were 10 for $1 so you stocked up - and it's a good thing you did, because it took 5 limes, 20 minutes, and one pulled muscle to get 1/3 cup of juice.

3) Sautee 1 block of cubed tempeh, 1 diced onion, and 4 cloves of minced garlic in 2 tablespoons of sesame oil. You'll know that it says "until the onions are clear," but it quickly becomes obvious that you and the recipe's author have drastically different definitions of what translucent means. You'll also have no idea if you're overcooking the tempeh, because you're still not even sure what it is in the first place. Furthermore, you've heard horror stories about overcooked garlic (yet another thing the internet hates), but for the love of god, you'll swear the onions are getting whiter.

4) Add the cooked, drained noodles to the pan of bro elixer. Stir well and allow sauce to thicken as it cooks for about 3 minutes. The onions will continue to mock you with their non-clearness.

5) Top with crushed cashews and green onions. Serve in an enormous bowl and break a sweat trying to stir it. Fair warning: doing the dishes will take six times longer, because the sauce is basically Gorilla Glue once it sets.

This was spicy and good. I won't pretend it was my favorite thing I've ever eaten, but I should have taken the liberty to ditch the recipe and add a bunch of extra veggies. Some broccoli, peppers, or even peas would have been a great addition. Again, I have no idea what good Pad Thai tastes like... my only experience came from this homemade bowl of slightly mushy confusion. When asked how I liked it, I just kept saying "it's weird. It's not bad... it's just... weird. Not in a bad way. Just... in a weird way." Who needs a food review when you have descriptive eloquence like that?