Day 26: Don't try this at home.

This one's going to be short because I don't like to dwell on failures of this magnitude. I was so excited to try this recipe for a Vegan BLT, even though she did admit that it doesn't taste exactly like bacon, but is crispy and satisfying just the same. I've quickly realized that it's not actually meat that I've been craving over the past few weeks, but really just something fried or hearty. If I could find a suitable replacement for bacon, I'd be set for life. According to this recipe, eggplant is a good base because you can slice it to look like bacon and it absorbs seasonings well. Seemed like a logical conclusion. Unfortunately, my fake-n went horribly awry somewhere along the way.

All you have to do is use your fancy new madolin (the slicer thing, not the instrument, unless chopping vegetables with a guitar string is a hidden talent of yours, in which case, have att'er) to slice a peeled eggplant the long way. Then stir together 2 tablespoons of each maple syrup, olive oil, soy sauce, and apple cider vinegar in a dish along with 2 teaspoons of paprika and 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Lay the fake-n strips in the marinade and let it sit for a few minutes, then put them on a lined baking sheet and cook at 175F for 2-3 hours until crispy.


A couple problems here:
1) The alternative (and likely superior) option to baking for 2-3 hours, is putting the strips into a dehydrator for 12-24 hours. Now, considering I just bought my first garlic press today, it's safe to say I don't have a dehydrator laying around our tiny abode. Which brings me to problem #2...
2) Not only did my fake-n fail to get even remotely crispy after 3.5 hours in the oven, but it maintained a ridiculous level of chewiness that made it actually difficult to eat. Even the thinnest pieces were far from crispy. I briefly debated chopping it up and putting it on a sandwich anyway, but then problem #3 hit me...
3) The marinade just wasn't very good either. It just tasted like a whole lot of sweetness and not much else.

At this point you're probably thinking "that's what you get for trying to defy the laws of nature" and you're right about that. I'm sure there's a decent vegan bacon out there, but it certainly won't have come from my kitchen, and I think I'm ok with that. It wasn't as big of a failure as the collard-green-falafel nightmare, but it was the first thing we threw out in its entirety. Regardless, I'm glad we tried. The loss: one eggplant that we got for $0.33 at the farmer's market. My heart will go on.