Black Bean & Mushroom Tacos

I've been perpetually exhausted for the past two weeks, which means both my body and brain go directly to sweatpants mode the minute I walk in the door after work. The last thing I want to do at that point is spend an hour concocting some elaborate dinner that dirties up every pan in the house. Our of sheer laziness, I started googling "easiest vegan recipes" and found a couple gems. Coincidentally, one of those recipes involved my favorite hobby: tacos. And yes, they are a hobby when you eat them as often as I do. Here's how tonight's dinner went:

Photo credit: Glow Kitchen

Black Bean & Mushroom Tacos (makes 8 tacos)
Click here for the ingredients list and recipe card

1. Chop one small onion, 8-10 whole mushrooms, and one clove of garlic. The original recipe calls for half a jalapeno too, but I wussed out and made Scott add them on top of his own tacos later.
2. Heat all of the above in a pan with 1 tablespoon of oil over medium heat.  Do so until the onions are partially clear. Add a dash of salt and pepper.
3. Add chopped mushrooms and cook for another 3-5 minutes. Sauteed mushrooms are the best thing ever, so you'll eat half the pan before you hit the 3 minute mark. You'll also rub your eyes after chopping jalapenos and you'll wish you could pop your retinas out and dunk them in bleach.
4. Add 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper and 1/2 teaspoon cumin. Stir it up, little darlin.
5. Add one can of rinsed and drained black beans. Stir until heated through.
6. Serve on shells with avocado, salsa, lettuce, and tomato. Feast.

I loved these. The point isn't to mimic normal tacos, but instead help you realize that you can get something just as delicious and satisfying without ground beef and cheese. Even Scott enjoyed these and he's the king of hating "imitation" foods or anything that attempts to replace something he loves. The best part is that the whole meal only took about 20 minutes total and it's basically idiot-proof, which is a major plus for a klutz like me.

Well I'm going to go shamelessly play Minion Rush on my fiance's phone until daybreak (don't judge it until you've gotten absurdly addicted to it... and yes "it" is a game intended for children and mindless adults, but still). Later gators.

Day 30: Hey I made it, I'm the world's greatest

Now I wish I would have used R Kelly lyrics for all of my post titles...

I am a mountain. I am a tall tree.

Well, here we are... Cheesemas Eve. Just kidding (I think). We've made it 30 full days without ever intentionally eating animal products. I say "intentionally" because we have found out after the fact that a few random things we've eaten (like popcorn or breakfast bars) "may contain milk," but for the most part, we've done everything in our power to avoid anything that wasn't wholly vegan. I'll be the first to admit that it really wasn't so bad. In fact, we learned a ton along the way, we became much more aware about what we put into our bodies, and we ended up physically feeling better. Here's a breakdown of what we've learned:

People are absolutely insane when it comes to food.
I knew our endeavor would be met with skepticism, questions, and a good amount of jokes on our behalf, but what I didn't expect was how actively unsupportive some people would be. I guess I've never cared what other people eat, so I didn't think anyone would care about what we eat. I was wrong. Even if you're only talking about what you eat, some people will instantly feel threatened and judged, so they turn into a cornered raccoon and come at you with a vengeance. Don't believe me? Check out how many people instantly lost their minds when the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel recently posted an article about the increasing popularity of vegan diets. The insanity most definitely displays itself on both sides of the coin, but it's pretty incredible how mad some meat-eaters will get at the mere mention of the word "vegan." You guys know you're arguing about the things that other people chew, right? Let's save the passion for more important arguments... like whether or not there will ever be a Super Bowl at Lambeau Field. (It WILL happen, so save your breath, because I'm right.)

A vegan diet helps you lose* weight.
Sometimes I want to [lovingly] strangle Scott until he falls into eternal sleep, because after I spent a month busting my butt preparing two vegan meals every day for us, he lost 20lbs and *I lost exactly 0. I've told this to a few people and they're surprised on both accounts. They're amazed at how he shed weight so quickly, and they're also baffled at how a diet without meat or dairy (my two former loves) didn't lead to a slim-down for me. To that I reply: well, Scott does a good amount of manual labor on the job and he's been working out for 30 minutes a day the past week or two, while I have a desk job and have spent all of my "gym time" googling recipes, cooking, and blogging. Regardless of the reason or outcome, I've noticed how much happier Scott is since he lost the weight, and to me that's more than worth whatever weight I could have dropped myself. (Ugh, we're just too cute, aren't we?)

I feel better.
No, all my hair hasn't fallen out, I don't spontaneously faint, and haven't experienced sudden organ failure. Quite the contrary... I said this early on, but being vegan has almost entirely eliminated the sluggishness from my life. Do I still get tired? Of course. But it doesn't come with that "I desperately want to hibernate" feeling that I used to be so accustom to. I won't claim to have an abundance of energy, but I do feel much more even throughout the day; no more constant peaks and crashes. I should also mention that I went from about 20 Starbucks visits a month to 2. I drank a lot more green tea which gave me plenty of energy and saved me a whole lot of cash.
Additionally, I haven't been congested even once since the day we started the diet. This is huge, considering I used to spend 75% of my time ready to take a power drill to my sinuses. I'm told the lack of inflammation has a lot to do with dairy, so I'd like to dedicate this ladyjam to my former love... cheese.



Now to answer the two most frequently asked questions:

1. Will you keep blogging? - Yes. Just a whole lot less. Trying to blog for 30 consecutive days proved to be an insurmountable challenge. It was too much for me and there are probably posts where that came across loud and clear to readers. Rather than posting something I'm not happy with just for the sake of doing it, I'll be posting whenever I feel compelled to. Future posts certainly won't be as vegan-focused, but luckily I was blessed with the ability to extrapolate on even the most mundane of subjects, so you won't have to struggle through life without my obnoxious ramblings. (You can go celebrate in the streets now.)
2. Are you going to stay vegan? - I don't have a yes or no answer to this. What I do know for sure is that we're going to make vegan choices whenever we can. Neither of us are all that intimated by the prospect of staying vegan forever, but we also know that setting our goals too high can be a recipe for disaster. Instead, I've come up with my own diet plan and I think it's pretty damn genius if I do say so myself. Here's what we will be doing from here on out: vegan at home, vegetarian otherwise. We don't need meat and it was alarmingly easy to ditch it this month, so deciding to eliminate it long-term was a fairly obvious choice. As for the rest, the point of my VAHVO plan (god I hope that catches on) is that we already prepare at least 85% of our meals at home, so It would keep us mainly vegan, but we also aren't limited when we go out to eat or dine at someone's home. I'm sure there are vegans out there who see this as a cop out, but even one vegan meal a month is an improvement from the way we used to be eating, so VAHVO would be an insanely huge step in the right direction. Judge me if you want... I won't be able to hear you over my chants of "viva la VAHVO" anyway.

I could ramble on about what I've learned over the past month, but I'd rather take this final paragraph to thank you. If you're reading this, please know that I'm mentally koala-hugging you and I'll never let go. I started this blog as a way to prove to a select few friends and family members that I'm not cheating on my diet, but it turned into something much more powerful. Somehow I ended up with 4,000 pageviews and an overwhelming amount of encouragement. I can't tell you how much it meant to me when I started getting Facebook messages from people I had lost touch with years ago, just because they wanted to say "love the blog" or "keep it up." I resist corniness with congress-level stubbornness (LOLz P0LITICAL JOKEz), but I do want you all to know how much your support has meant to me. When I wanted to dive face-first into a vat of Parmesan, I thought of breaking the news to you in a post and decided to eat my weight in hummus instead. You really are the best, so give yourself a few dozen vegan points and a pat on the back, you majestic bundles of love.

Talk to you soon, world wide web.

Day 28: Black bean eating in the dead of night

I should have incorporated terrible food-related Beatles puns into all of my blog titles! Oh well. Twenty-eight days and a dollar short, I guess.

Tonight's dinner was Spicy Corn & Black Bean Burgers. All you need to know before I get into the recipe is that we may or may have moved our giant flatscreen TV into the kitchen so I could watch the Packer game while prepping meals for the rest of the week. It was shamelessly awesome. When your TV takes up your entire kitchen table, it starts to feel like you're cooking dinner at an IMAX movie. Plus the Packers absolutely tromped the Browns, so that helped my mood as well.

Oh yeah, the burgers. These were seriously tasty, incredibly filling, and the food processor does all the heavy lifting, so I will definitely be making these again. And again. And again. It's currently 11 p.m., so I'm going to get straight to the point in this recipe. I'm sorry to deprive you of my inane elaborations of each step, but I promise I'll make it up to you one day.

This photo is from Eat, Live, Run, because it's much prettier than an image of
me perched on my chair with the burger in hand, snarling as I hiss "my precious."

Spicy Corn & Black Bean Burgers
(makes 6-8 burgers, depending on how big you make them)
Click here for a link to the recipe and ingredients list.

1. Roughly chop and seed 1 jalapeno. You bought a dozen of them for $1 at the farmer's market, so that made you feel super thrifty and local and vegan and awesome.
2. Add the jalapeno and 2 cloves of garlic to a food processor. Mince finely.
3. Add 1 can of rinsed black beans, 2 teaspoons cumin, and 1 teaspoon salt to the food processor. Process until it looks like a thick bean dip. Because that's exactly what it is at this point, so I suppose that makes sense.
4. In a small bowl, mix together 1 tablespoon of ground flax and 3 tablespoons of water. Then let it sit for 5 minutes. You're oddly intimidated by flax, but that's ok.
5. Transfer the bean mixture to a large bowl and stir in 1/2 cup Panko breadcrumbs, 2 tablespoons of tomato sauce, the softened flax mixture, and 1/2 cup corn. Stir well until everything is combined. 
6. Add another can of rinsed black beans and stir into the bowl. Resist the urge to sit down with a spoon and eat it all on the spot. Form the burgers into patties and settle for licking your fingers afterward.
7. Heat a little olive oil in a skillet on medium high and fry the patties for about 4 minutes per side or until golden and crusty. Because on rare occasion, crusty is a good thing.
8. Serve on a whole wheat bun with avocado, salsa, sriracha, ketchup, or whatever your heart desires. Feast. Once you start, you won't be able to stop, so prepare to feel like a much happier Veruca Salt.

Just like the rest of my favorite vegan foods thus far, this meal was incredibly tasty, very filling, and made me realize just how many delicious non-meat options there really are. Not to mention how cheap they are, especially when compared to the frozen store-bought kind or dinner at a restaurant. I'm having separation anxiety about these burgers as we speak, so I'm going to go stare longingly at the leftovers in the fridge now...

Day 27: Dough-n't stop believin'

I realized that we had gone nearly a month eating all sorts of vegan dishes, but never any desserts. Rather than easing into it with muffins or cupcakes, I decided to go all in and make our own version of a Dairy Queen Cookie Dough Blizzard. It was super simple and there were only 7 ingredients, compared to more than 50 in the DQ version, plus I could actually pronounce the things I was consuming. Here's how it goes:

Heavenly photo credit: Oh She Glows

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard (makes about 1 pint)
Click here for the ingredients list and recipe card

Part 1: Making the chocolate chip cookie dough balls

1. In a food processor, add 1/2 cup unsalted cashews and 1/4 cup rolled oats. Process until it forms a fine crumble. Aren't you glad you finally invested in a food processor this weekend? Those things mean business. I can't wait to lose my first finger!
2. Add in 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1.5 tablespoons sugar, and 1/4 cup oat flour. Process a few seconds more until well mixed. You only had to go to two different grocery stores and flag down multiple mustachioed Whole Foods employees during your search for oat flour, but you prevailed! ...And will now have enough oat flour to last you the rest of your life.
3. Add in 3 tablespoons of maple syrup and 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract. The recipe will say 3-4 tbsp of syrup, but when you add 4, you'll quickly realize you've made a [delicious, delicious] mess. Onward, soldier.
4. Add in 1/4 cup of dark chocolate chips or stir in by hand. Now shamelessly drop your paw into the bowl like Pooh Bear to honey, and eat half the batter... because it's delicious. I can't get over how much this tasted like regular cookie dough, minus the salmonella risk. I would have wolfed down the whole batch, but I really wanted to try the blizzard, so I exercised a small amount of self control for the first time in my life.
5. Roll the mixture into balls and store in the freezer.

Part 2: Making the blizzard

1. In a food processor, add 3 frozen bananas and process until it reaches a soft serve consistency. You'll overdo it because you're having too much fun with your new food processor, but that's ok.
2. Add in 2 tablespoons of your cookie dough.  Blend until they're combined. I also added a tablespoon of peanut butter, just for giggles. I highly recommend it. 
3. Pour the mixture into a glass and add your desired amount of cookie dough balls. I suggest adding 1 or 2... thousand, depending on your personal preference. They're just so damn good.

So simple. So easy. And so tasty. I did two things wrong, and it was still incredibly flavorful. My first error: I added too much maple syrup which turned my cookie dough balls into more of a cookie dough glue, but I put them in the freezer to set and it helped a lot. The texture didn't matter though... love is blind, especially when it comes to cookie dough. My second error: I was too impatient to wait for my bananas to fully freeze, so I added an ice cube to the food processor. My advice to you is DO NOT DO THIS. It made my "ice cream" a little too runny, but more importantly, I nearly killed the food processor during its first use ever. It went a lot like this:





Anyway, my point is: you should go make this right meow, because it's easy, delicious, and a whole lot better for you than a cup full of DQ's Sodium Phosophapotamus Dextrate 9 Blue Palmitate.

Day 26: Don't try this at home.

This one's going to be short because I don't like to dwell on failures of this magnitude. I was so excited to try this recipe for a Vegan BLT, even though she did admit that it doesn't taste exactly like bacon, but is crispy and satisfying just the same. I've quickly realized that it's not actually meat that I've been craving over the past few weeks, but really just something fried or hearty. If I could find a suitable replacement for bacon, I'd be set for life. According to this recipe, eggplant is a good base because you can slice it to look like bacon and it absorbs seasonings well. Seemed like a logical conclusion. Unfortunately, my fake-n went horribly awry somewhere along the way.

All you have to do is use your fancy new madolin (the slicer thing, not the instrument, unless chopping vegetables with a guitar string is a hidden talent of yours, in which case, have att'er) to slice a peeled eggplant the long way. Then stir together 2 tablespoons of each maple syrup, olive oil, soy sauce, and apple cider vinegar in a dish along with 2 teaspoons of paprika and 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Lay the fake-n strips in the marinade and let it sit for a few minutes, then put them on a lined baking sheet and cook at 175F for 2-3 hours until crispy.


A couple problems here:
1) The alternative (and likely superior) option to baking for 2-3 hours, is putting the strips into a dehydrator for 12-24 hours. Now, considering I just bought my first garlic press today, it's safe to say I don't have a dehydrator laying around our tiny abode. Which brings me to problem #2...
2) Not only did my fake-n fail to get even remotely crispy after 3.5 hours in the oven, but it maintained a ridiculous level of chewiness that made it actually difficult to eat. Even the thinnest pieces were far from crispy. I briefly debated chopping it up and putting it on a sandwich anyway, but then problem #3 hit me...
3) The marinade just wasn't very good either. It just tasted like a whole lot of sweetness and not much else.

At this point you're probably thinking "that's what you get for trying to defy the laws of nature" and you're right about that. I'm sure there's a decent vegan bacon out there, but it certainly won't have come from my kitchen, and I think I'm ok with that. It wasn't as big of a failure as the collard-green-falafel nightmare, but it was the first thing we threw out in its entirety. Regardless, I'm glad we tried. The loss: one eggplant that we got for $0.33 at the farmer's market. My heart will go on.

Day 25: Don't believe everything you read on the internet

Tonight I was super excited to try what was promised to be the "GALAXY'S BEST FALAFEL THAT COULD END WARS AND ELIMINATE NATIONAL DEBT AND HELP BLIND CHILDREN SEE AGAIN." Ok, it was called "Better Than Restaurant Falafel," but the way she raved on about this stuff had me salivating hours before I had even bought the ingredients. Want to know how it went? Of course you do, because we all secretly enjoy the suffering of others.

Let me set the mood first...





Better Than Restaurant Falafel (serves - 2 people and 4 squirrels)

A plate full of lies.

1. Rinse and stem 4 cups of collard greens. I suggest skipping this step (and the rest of this recipe) and just building a fort out of collard green leaves in your living room. Spread out the leaves from one bundle of collard greens and you already have enough thatching for a homemade Quonset hut. Eco chic! 
2. Add collard greens, 1 can of chickpeas, 3 cloves of minced garlic, 1.5 tablespoons of tahini, 1.5 tablespoons of lemon juice, 1/4 teaspoon of cumin, and "a healthy pinch of salt & pepper" to a food processor or blender. Little known fact: if you're shopping for tahini at Pick 'N Save, you can find it in the unicorn section between the pixie dust and the magic beans. All you have to do is push your cart as fast as you can toward the end cap between aisles 9 and 10.
3. Once well incorporated, transfer the mixture to a bowl and stir in 3-4 tablespoons of oat flour (1 tablespoon at a time) until the mixture is thick enough to handle. They also keep the "oat flour" in aisle 9 3/4, so you can just use whole wheat or all-purpose flour.
4. Taste & adjust seasonings as needed. Then blankly wander into your living room with a look of horror on your face and say to your fiance "I'm sorry, babe... I lied. This is NOT falafel." No amount of "adjusting" will save you now, but you must press on. Maybe something magic happens once they hit the frying pan?
5. Press the mixture into 12 patties, then pan fry in a large skillet. You'll only be able to do 4 at a time, because these goo balls are impossible to flip and you'll spend half your time chasing them around the pan with your spatula. The recipe says you're supposed to "use 2 tablespoons of oil at a time" which is a pretty horribly written instruction, but I took that to mean you should use 2 tablespoons per 4 falafel..s (falafi?). This was a pretty disgusting amount of oil and I ended up actually blotting the pan to remove some of it. The patties never got crispy, just darker green and soggy. The less oil I put in, the better consistency they turned out.
6. Cook until both sides are golden brown. Don't worry, they never will be, so just pull them off the pan after about 8-10 minutes and accept the things you cannot change.
7. Serve immediately with hummus. We put them in a pita with hummus, kalamata olives, lettuce, and tomato. I did use her "MIND NUMBINGLY STELLAR YUM YUM HUM HUM" recipe (ok, it was called "My Ultimate Hummus" and it was certainly more successful than the falafel, but it still wasn't my favorite.
8. Re-read all of the recipe's comments and realize that all the "5 stars!" are coming from people who have yet to actually make the recipe, and suddenly notice all of the "did I do something wrong?"s and "this tastes nothing like falafel"s. The latter group of people clearly shares my woes. I don't believe that using whole wheat flour instead of the mythical "oat flour" would change the taste all that drastically. I followed her directions to a T otherwise. What it came down to was this: she made veggie fritters that were meant to taste like the giant leaves they were made of, yet the rest of us were expecting the mind blowing falafel we were promised. Two totally different wavelengths. 

Scott said it tasted like lemon grass, and he meant it in the literal way (citrus and lawn clippings) not the trendy smoothie bar way. Once they were buried in the pita with all the toppings, they weren't unbearable. We each ate two pitas out of desperation. With each bite, I couldn't help but think "this is what non-vegans think we eat every day" if that gives you any perspective. Scott got creative and added some tortilla chips to his pita to help get rid of the mushy texture. I over-fried the last batch in a desperate attempt to burn away the seaweed taste, but nothing helped. We had 7 patties left over and they went straight from the pan to the back yard (don't judge, that's how we compost) so I'll be curious to see if the local wildlife puts it to good use or not. As for you, loyal reader, if this still somehow sounds incredibly delicious to you, just know that I do not endorse this recipe and any disappointment you may incur is at your own risk.

Day 24: Freezin' for a vegan

Once again, laziness struck and I couldn't bring myself to meal plan, grocery shop, and cook all in one night. My brilliant idea was to explore the world of vegan convenience foods, so we walked to Whole Foods and raided their freezers. The first display we came across was full of Chinese food, so we figured we'd give it a shot. We left with four different frozen items and everything was cooked within 10 minutes of getting home (aside from the egg rolls, since we decided to bake them). Here's how it went, starting with the worst and working our way up to the best.

Whole Foods Brand Vegetable Potstickers"Traditional thin dumpling dough filled with shiitake mushrooms and a variety of vegetables including napa cabbage, celery, bok choy, and carrots."
These certainly weren't bad, I just think we're not potsticker people. Or maybe it was my inability to follow directions when I cooked them... I know there shouldn't be much complication to pan frying, but I'm physically incapable of reading beyond the first line of directions, so I can't be held accountable for what happens after "heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a skillet over medium heat." Long story short, they never really seemed cooked and my tears of confusion only made them soggier. I doubt I've ever had napa cabbage or bok choy on their own, so maybe one of those were the offending source. Who knows. The final verdict: a 4 in our book, but they got great ratings online, so don't let us deter you. 

Whole Foods Brand Vegetable Fried Rice"A vegan mix of seasoned long grain white rice stir-fried with bits of onion, carrots, corn, red bell pepper, green peas, and scallions."This was a nice, unique mix that had more complexity than most kinds we've had. I could have done without the peppers, but Scott liked them. My favorite part was the fact that I could dump the bag into a bowl and microwave it, the way our ancestors intended. The carrots were... soft, and the corn was... yellow - I don't really know how to talk about food in an eloquent manner, much less a bag of microwave rice, so I'm just gonna wrap this one up in a hurry. The rice was good. I'd give it a 7... on the rice scale.

Whole Foods Brand Vegetable Egg Rolls
"A crisp and flaky crust surrounds a seasoned mix of green cabbage, edamame, water chestnuts, carrots, celery, onion, and brown rice."
These were Scott's favorite and I was a fan, too. I didn't dare microwave these, so I chose to bake them instead... even though everything else was cooked on the stove top before the oven even preheated. Again, forethought isn't my strong suit in the kitchen. Since we had already finished everything else by the time these had spent 20 minutes in the oven, we had egg rolls for dessert - a trend I fully believe will catch on eventually. These things were tasty. I'd throw a 7 their way - Scott says 8 (too bad it's not your blog, buddy bear).


Gardein Mandarin Orange Crispy Chick'n"A quick & easy meal that's award winning, better than takeout, and entirely meat-free."
I loved this. I'm in love with this. I want to give it a ring, buy it a home, and make it Facebook official. What I'm trying to say is: this particular food tasted a lot better than a lot of other foods do. It was exceptionally chickeny (that's a common thing food critics say, right?) and had a much better texture than the "chicken" you get from Chinese takeout places - whatever that actually is. I loved the sauce, too. It was sweet but not sickly. Well, here we are again... you hoping to hear a fellow adult share their educated opinion on a product, and me lacking the refined palate and vocabulary to express myself. Let's jump straight to the big fat 10 I'm giving these strangely flat but excessively addicting chick'n strips. I may live on these alone for the remainder of my [inevitably shortened] life.

Day 23: Sky Mall

Nope. Still no recipes. I got home from work too late to grocery shop, so we challenged ourselves to make dinner with whatever was already in our nearly barren pantry. The obvious choice was spaghetti with marinara sauce... supplemented with a jar of pizza sauce. I got the brilliant idea to make tempeh meatballs. Unfortunately, there are about eighty different tempeh meatball recipes online, all of which call for at least a dozen ingredients and an hour in either the oven, steamer, or some sort of kiln. Ain't nobody got time for that. Instead, I decided to just drop the tempeh in a pan, cook it with a little oil and Earth Butter (because I don't know, that's why), and throw in heaps of pre-mixed seasonings before combining it all with the pizza sauce. The final product: something weird, nutty, and bland. But hey, it was... food.

Let's move onto something that is NOT food-related, but is still wildly adored by all: SKY MALL.

The best part about air travel is perusing Sky Mall, looking at ridiculously priced items that probably shouldn't exist in the first place. Does the world really need a $400 picture frame that goes around your TV to help it "seamlessly blend with your decor?" No. Would anyone actually purchase a 76" media storage tower that can hold 2,262 CDs, 936 DVDs, or 528 VHS tapes? I hope not. Who cares about a robot that cleans your windows? ...Me, actually. Can I borrow $399?

Let's take a look at a few of my favorite bad ideas in Sky Mall. (If you own any of the items listed below, please know that I only tease because I secretly wish I possessed all of these treasures.)

The Human Slingshot
For just $99.99, you can purchase this elastic injury-machine to ensure your child gets at least a dozen concussions before they graduate from high school! The description says that this 66" x 126" band is part of an "exhilarating, fast-paced game that involves four people slinging each other back and forth," but why stop there when you could plop your teenagers directly into a Roman catapult? I think the reviewer named Kimbojoe really captured the essence of this product best: "I bought this for my son, who is 15, but we have been using it! It's super fun and good exercise. A bit dangerous for a 40 something woman and a bunch of drunks, but given only 1 hurt shoulder and 1 bloody nose, it was well worth it!" Party on, Kimbojoe.

One of a Kind Shirt
Ahh yes. The outfit of choice for a classy circus clown who needs a night away from the big top. I can't get through the description without thinking I'm getting Punk'd. "These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties, or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd." Well, yes, I'll definitely agree that you would stand out in a crowd, but unfortunately I don't even think Snooki would hang out with you while you're rocking this sweet "piece of art." Thinking of requesting your own horrendous combination of scrap fabrics? No such luck... the colors and patterns aren't revealed until the package is opened. P.S. This costs $129.99, but if you buy two they'll only charge you $199.99.

Nano-UV Portable Disinfection Wand
Men in Black meets Monk? Sorry, germaphobes, but if a $160 wand could effectively kill every microorganism in sight, this product would be a staple in every American home by now. I'm sure it's fun to pretend you're Luke Skywalker, but this glorified night light is never going to save you from produce bugs, public restrooms, or the unspeakable horrors of a hotel bedspread.

The Peeing Boy of Brussels
Nope. Everything about this, nope. The description says "this delightful sculpture will bring timeless art to your home or garden," but let's not overlook the fact that you would have a four-foot statue of a child urinating in your front yard. Sure, Duquesnoy may have thought this was cute when he created the original statue in 1619, but the whole point of civilization is realizing that some things just weren't meant to withstand the test of time. If you decide to ignore my warnings and put this concerning piece of faux stone in your lawn, just know that it will cost you $229 - and your kids will complain when their friends' parents don't let them come over anymore.

Cat Toilet Training System
I have nothing to say except: do they offer overnight delivery?

Day 22: Vegan comfort food

Ok friends, so I was going to try to scrape up posts for the last two days and post three of them today now that we're home from Florida, but let's be honest... no one wants to hear me talk about eating fast-food falafel for three straight days. Am I happy that we kept that nice man's wrap business going strong over the weekend? Sure. But I'd also like to pass along the following disclaimer: eating falafel for an extended period of time will lead to excessive body-stank. I, despite being fully showered and laundered, smelled like a spice rack the whole plane ride home from Florida. Moral of the story: if you're hopping aboard a singles cruise, I suggest skipping the Falafel Diet.

Let's fast-forward to tonight. We went to Comet Cafe for the second time since the challenge started - the first was for breakfast (a 5 out of 10, I'd say, but no breakfast food aside from bacon has ever elicited more than a 6 from me). This time we went for dinner with friends. I've heard amazing things about a lot of the vegan options on the Comet menu, so I was admittedly excited. For anyone who isn't familiar, Comet's style is "slow food" and focuses on comfort food made from scratch. Naturally, we ordered three things, because gluttony is fun. Here's what I thought.

Vegan Gyro "Our homemade seitan in a warm pita, with tomato, onion, and shredded lettuce. Comes with vegan cucumber dill sauce and a side of fries." $8.50
I liked this. It was definitely filling and tasted good. The trouble was, you can't help but compare it to a real gyro which overwhelms you with seasoning and flavor. Had I somehow not thought of it as a gyro, I probably would have enjoyed it more. It just lacked the spices I was looking forward to. I wasn't a fan of the dill sauce but I never have been, and the gyro could have been dramatically improved with some kalamata olives and chopped cucumber. (And some feta cheese... - What? Who said that?) All in all, it was probably a 7 for me. Somewhere between "not half bad" and "let's throw a parade."

Vegan Meatloaf Sandwich "A thick slice of "meatloaf" with chive mashed potatoes, grilled tomato, and onion. Served open faced with salted rye bread and vegan gravy." $11.00
If you're thinking "why would you ever order vegan meatloaf?" then you've clearly never had Comet's meatloaf. It's a plate full of pure happiness. Yes, the regular meatloaf sandwich has 100% more bacon than the vegan version, but it was still worth a shot. I'm glad we rolled the dice on this one, because it was awesome. The gravy was amazing, the mashed potatoes were delicious, and the "meatloaf" was surprisingly tasty. It's like an entire Thanksgiving meal on one plate. I don't know if it was better or worse than the actual meat version, but we were big fans and would gladly order it again.

Vegan Deep Fried Ribs "Hot or BBQ vegan riblets, beer battered and fried. Served with hand-cut fries and vegan chive mayo." Full rack $11.00 - Half rack $7.00
These are so. damn. good. Our non-vegan friends raved about them and insisted we try them, and I'm so glad we did. I don't think I'd classify them as riblets - they don't really look like anything you've ever seen before and don't really taste all that rib...y - but I could have eaten heaps of them. They come with the sauce on the side (we ordered both BBQ & hot) so the riblets were super crispy and delicious, right up until I inhaled them. The plate was empty about two minutes after it arrived. I definitely suggest getting the full rack, as you still only get about 7 or 8 smaller pieces. Or... if you know you've still got a meatloaf sandwich and a gyro to eat, you could just not gorge yourself and eat in normal human portions. Your call.

Additional fun fact: Comet was offering $2 cans of beer with a free koozie (of which I'm a hoarder) and then a $1 off each subsequent beer. Life was good today, friends. Life was good.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go suffer the world's first vegan heart attack.

Day 19: Falafel-ly delicious!

We noticed a few vegan options on the menu in the hotel restaurant, so we chose to stay in for lunch. I ordered the hummus wrap with mushrooms, tomatoes, and cucumbers. It was... food. That's about the most excited I can get about it. Scott ordered the grilled tofu with an orange glaze, snow peas, and coleslaw. He thought it was good enough, but I was just as underwhelmed with his lunch as I was with mine. At least it only cost $40.

Apparently ALL of the hummus balances
precariously on the very edge of
the pita in this photo.

After the next two conference sessions wrapped up, I was starving.  We found a place called Great Wraps in the food court at Jacksonville Landing and figured that was our only safe bet.  Our options were a hummus & veggie wrap (sounds familiar) or a falafel pita. I'd never had falafel before and was desperate to not repeat the disappointment we overpaid for at lunch. Falafel it is!

Now, let me be clear... I'm disappointed. Not a single one of you ever told me how delicious falafel is! Why must you deprive me of one of the only fried foods I'm still able to enjoy?! It was crispy, filling, and completely satiated my craving for chicken strips. (Are you still technically a vegan if you crave fried chicken?) I don't know if I'll ever try to make it myself, because I'm fairly certain I'd ruin it, but I will definitely be ordering at restaurants in the future.

Other things I've seen so far in Jacksonville:

• A lady taking her sleepy kitten for stroll down the riverwalk.
• Lots of military helicopter flyovers.
• SO MANY NICE LIZARDS.
• The Maxwell House coffee factory (one of only two in the country, I'm told)
• EverBank Field, home of the Jaguars. It was built in '95 and it looks like they never bothered finishing it. Still cool to see another NFL stadium, though.
• An all-black utility van being used as an ice cream truck while blasting children's songs remixed with rap beats. The sign in the windshield said "HOT NUTS $3.75." Quite the entrepreneur.
• A German-themed marathon going past our hotel. Lots of sweaty lederhosen.
• A miniature pig walking down the riverwalk in a tiny pink dress.

 I like you, Jacksonville. You're alright by me.

Our walk from dinner back to the hotel. Not too shabby, J-ville.

Day 18: The lizard edition

I can't believe we haven't even been in Florida for 24 hours yet. I'm already exhausted; we've done so much. I've been attending conference sessions, dining at the Jacksonville Landing, watching the sun set over St. John's River, baking in the sauna, roasting in the hot tub, and floating in the rooftop pool while staring at the stars. Stressful, I know.

Rather than bore you with the same old song and dance (you get it, it's hard to be vegan on vacation), I just want to call attention to my favorite part of Jacksonville... the lizards! I've learned that all my tiny little buddies are called anoles. They are brown/green, very tiny, and super fast. They're sort of like city squirrels; they sit out in the public and don't care if you see them. For some reason, all you want to do is catch one - and make it your best friend. The trouble is, they go zero to sixty in the time it takes you to blink. Also, you have no idea what you'd do if you caught one, but it's fun to pretend that he would just sit in your hand and talk to you in a British accent.

One of the things I admire most about the lizards is their penchant for pranking. If you're walking down the street, it's guaranteed that for every 10 uninterrupted steps you take, a lizard will juke you out at least three times. Their go-to moves are: blending into the curb then suddenly darting in front of you so you seemingly trip over yourself OR (this one's my favorite) hiding silently then rustling the entire bush as you pass, making you think that a pterodactyl-sized predator is waiting for you in the shrubbery. They just want to remind you that you're alive, and I appreciate that.

You guys tired of me talking about lizards yet? Ok, I'll wrap it up. But first... one more lizard thing. Here's a lizard photobomb. We had no clue at the time, we were just trying to get a good shot of the guy on the black plastic (and failed), but I almost died of joy-overload when I found his photo-crashing buddy in the background when looking at the pictures later. It's the simple things in life.

Day 17: So this is where the players play.

As I'm writing this, we're sitting in Atlanta, eating pumpkin seeds and cashews as we wait out our layover to Jacksonville. As it turns out, airports aren’t nearly as vegan friendly as I thought they’d be. Unless you’re amped about eating fruit cups and original Lays, you’d better be ready for full-on Hunger Games.

Unrelated note: how awesome would it be to drive one of those courtesy shuttles at an airport? Sure, it would be frustrating navigating around people, knowing that you’d be insta-sued if you so much as grazed a pedestrian’s pant leg, but it’s safe to say that driving any sort of vehicle indoors is worth whatever potential lawsuit that may result. Growing up, you weren't even allowed to dribble a basketball in the house and now your job is to fly down hallways in an oversized golf cart, honking at anyone who gets in your way. Livin’ the dream!

Oh yeah, the food. We walked past a pizza place. Not so surprisingly, they didn’t have any cheeseless, pesto pizza. We didn’t bother checking the Quiznos menu and blew right past Five Guys Burgers.  We had hope for the Miller Time Brew Pub. We could get the taco salad! Just without the cheese. Or sour cream. Or chipotle mayo drizzle. Or the actual chili that goes on top. If you’re keeping score at home, that would leave us with a plate of mixed greens topped with onions. Mmmm!

Always read the fine print.

I knew there was a Chili's outside of our gate and figured we could get chips and salsa, if nothing else. Their menu was outrageously carnivorous, even by my normal standards. Even the appetizers hinged on meat or cheese, and it’s basically a guarantee that everything on an airport Chili's menu is microwaved in the plastic bag it arrived in. Demanding that your egg rolls arrive without chicken in them would almost certainly result in an already-unhappy waitress performing an autopsy on your pre-cooked meal, spooning out anything that looks meat-like, and scotch-taping it back together. But alas, the fine print saved the day. Written in size .05 font at the bottom of the menu was “Black bean burgers can be substituted for any burger on the menu.” We were saved! Did their burger end up looking like a beige hockey puck? Sure. Did it taste like absence and disappointment? You bet. But we beat the system!

[[...Time to board...]]

It’s approximately 15 minutes later and we’re a mile above Atlanta. Fun story: we may or may not have spent our entire layover giggling at the people shamelessly sprinting between terminals, dragging their screaming toddlers and tripping over their over-sized bags. Then we realized our plane should have started boarding by now. Then we wondered why our gate was so empty. (You see what’s happening here.) Our gate had changed and we had gone from being the first ones “there” to the absolute last. Speed-walking (how could we run after all the hell we gave those poor people?) the 15-gate haul to where our plane actually was. It’s never a good sign when there’s an employee standing in the middle of the concourse yelling “Yoder & Christman?” while you’re still 3 gates away. The up side: we didn’t have to bother with those pesky boarding lines! Beatin’ the system, once again. 

In conclusion, I'm still pretty bummed that Jermaine Dupri didn't personally welcome us to Atlanta, but to be fair, he sounds like a very busy man.

Day 16: Vegan stress eating

I'm in full-on stress mode. I've got a house to clean, infinite loads of laundry to do, bags to pack, and - most anxiety-inducing of all - I have a presentation to polish. Scott and I are heading to Jacksonville where I'll be attending and speaking at a conference. Scott, on the other hand, will be spending those days at the hotel's rooftop pool, basking in the Florida sun and somehow getting even tanner. Since I'm a giant mess, I didn't dare add a new vegan recipe to my to-do list today. The good news is: Scott finally agreed to try eating vegan at Qdoba! My life may never be the same.

Earlier this week, I heard about Qdoba's Mexican Gumbo. It's a bowl of the cilantro-lime rice mixed with their tortilla soup, topped with beans, salsa, tortilla chips, and whatever else you want. Their soup isn't made with chicken broth, so it's entirely vegan, and I highly suggest getting their roasted chili corn salsa. All of these items combined make for one seriously delicious and incredibly filling meal. It was even Scott-approved! If you get the gumbo as a craft 2, it's only 275 calories - give or take a few cals depending on your toppings. I paired mine with two black bean tacos topped with pico de gallo, guacamole, and lettuce. I'm fairly confident I shed a single tear as I finished my last bite. I never wanted that meal to end. Who knew I'd love Qdoba even more after we went vegan?! Maybe I really could pull this off long-term...

Oh, you want to know what Scott ordered? Well... I had already pouted atop the mountain of laundry and made him drive to Qdoba alone while I stayed home in my sweatpants. Then he successfully gave my complex order. Then he watched helplessly as the distracted worker instinctively added sour cream to my tacos. Then he watched the guy immediately toss the whole thing in the garbage rather than simply scrape the sour cream off the top as suggested. Then he had to give my complex order all over again. At this point, he'd lost all patience for the process and left without ordering any dinner for himself. But he did get to have the last of the Black Bean & Butternut Squash Burrito leftovers, so at least the night wasn't a total wash... right, Scotty?

Well, I have to go stress out for a few days now. Aren't you excited to hear what sort of riveting material I come up with while dining on airport food? Yeah, me neither.

Day 15: I've got the mac-gic in me

There's no time for an intro! You need to get this recipe into your brain immediately - no pointless Allie ramblings beforehand. Tonight I attempted - no, conquered - my first batch of Vegan Mac & Cheese. As Murphy's Law would have it, I shopped for one recipe's ingredients on Sunday, then got three drastically different recipes sent my way in the next 24 hours. There was no turning back now - after all, I had bought shallots.

It's a strange recipe, but I'm realizing that is a common theme for all of the best vegan dishes. I've learned to trust the process. There's no fake cheese, just a boatload of incredibly random ingredients that end up tasting cheesy due to science or sorcery that I'll never comprehend. Here's how it goes:

Vegan Macaroni & Cheese 
(serves two adults without any self control, or 4 normal people)
Follow this link to view the original recipe & ingredients list. If you're crazy enough to sift through my ramblings, read on and I love you.

Photo credit: This Is Vegan.
Additional note: this is vegan!

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. The recipe won't tell you this until step 3, so you'll invent some new curse words under your breath as you wait eons for your ancient oven to warm up later. 
2. In a large pot, bring water to a boil. Add salt if you want. Once boiling, add noodles and cook until al dente (because cooking isn't confusing enough without Italian instructions). Drain pasta and rinse with cold water. Set aside. Or eat the cooked noodles like a bowl of popcorn while you stare blankly out the window. Then set aside. (You should really get more sleep.)
3. In a food processor, make breadcrumbs. Despite the promise of the $10 price tag, the food processor you bought only holds about 6 teaspoons at a time. Instead, you'll tear up 4 slices of bread and add 2 tablespoons of Earth Balance (or whatever non-butter you have) to your Ninja blender. If anything can turn bread into crumbs, it's gotta be something called a "ninja," right? You are correct.
4. In a saucepan, add 2 tablespoons of chopped/peeled shallots, 1 cup of chopped/peeled butternut squash (or potatoes), 1/4 cup of chopped carrots, 1/3 cup of chopped/peeled onions, and 1.5 cups of water. Bring it to a boil. Cover the pan and simmer for 15 minutes until the vegetables are very soft. Now that your eyes have swollen shut from the trauma of shallot gas, your other senses will heighten. (Side note: don't our senses exist specifically to keep us alive? Who was the first person to cut open a shallot and say to themselves "wow, my eyes feel like they're bleeding now, so I should definitely eat this!"?) Feed your dog the leftover carrot bits. Thank your fiance for wrestling the squash into cubes for you. Yell at your cat for batting onion skins around the house.
5. In a blender, process 1/4 cup raw cashews, 2 teaspoons salt, 1/4 teaspoon minced garlic, 1/3 cup margarine, 1/4 teaspoon Dijon mustard, 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice, 1/4 teaspoon black pepper, and 1/8 teaspoon of cayenne. Take a moment to be honest with your feelings at this point. "I bought a whole jar of dijon mustard so I could use exactly one dew drop?" "Do people really have devices that can measure 1/8 teaspoon?" "How many times did someone royally screw up this recipe while inventing it the first time?" Now let those feelings go, because greatness is nearly upon you, young squire.
6. Add the cooked vegetables (with the cooking water) to the blender. Process until perfectly smooth. You won't have to worry about that, because the Ninja wouldn't dream of leaving you with clumpy sauce.
7. In a large bowl, toss the cooked pasta with the cheese sauce until completely coated. Cautiously try a noodle. Watch as the world goes dark and you can practically see how good your concoction tastes. Shamelessly shovel a few dozen forkfuls into your face before yelling "no more!" through a mouth full of cheesy greatness.
8. Spread the noodles into a 9x12 casserole dish, sprinkle with breadcrumbs, and dust with paprika. Because this recipe was written by Tinkerbell.
9. Bake for 30 minutes or until the cheese sauce is bubbling and the top has turned golden brown.  Or until your separation anxiety grows too overwhelming and you can't help but reach your fork into an oven for just one more bite of scalding hot deliciousness.

Have I made it clear that I am in love with this yet? I can't count how many times I said gave my expert opinion of "this is so good... no seriously, this is SO GOOD." We stood at the oven and ate straight out of the pan for a while. Scott kept saying "This is really good. I feel like we shouldn't be eating it." His mind almost imploded when I told him here wasn't a single ounce of fake cheese in it. If Pad Thai was invented as a frat house prank, I can only assume that vegan mac & cheese was created by NASA. No one else on this planet could have set out to create this dish from scratch and successfully nailed down the recipe before they died. I would LOVE to see the vault of failed attempts. "Boil one mango, add thirty packets of ketchup, hand-squeeze 63 ounces of beet juice, add 1/4 teaspoon of Dijon mustard - OH MY GOD THAT ACTUALLY WORKED."

If you're like me, you'll want access to gallon drums of this stuff. I suggest preparing multiple pans, keeping the extras in the fridge, and simply grinding up breadcrumbs before you put it in the oven later in the week. One last thing: If you access the original recipe that I linked to above, do pay close attention to the ingredients list. Margarine, salt, and water are all on there multiple times, so it's easy to get confused in the heat of battle. Or maybe you're just a fully functioning adult who doesn't confuse the need for 4 quarts vs. 1 cup of water. Some of us still have trouble getting hot pockets right, ok?!?! (Just kidding, no one can get a hot pocket right. It's always scalding hot and frozen solid at the same time. Probably a NASA invention that wasn't meant for human consumption.) I'm done now.

Day 13: King of the road

On Saturday, we headed north to Wausau to celebrate my grandpa's 90th birthday. My family is spread out across the country, so it was especially great to see everyone in one place for such a major occasion. While we now knew that our favorite beers are vegan, what we didn't account for was party food, gas station snacks, and small-town restaurants. Being on the road provides some unique challenges for a vegan, but it was a great opportunity for us to challenge ourselves. Here's a crash course in my dietary discoveries:

Ate leftover pad thai in the passenger seat. Hadn't even left the driveway yet. Shared a bag of microwave kettle corn on the 3-hour drive. Got to Aunt Cheri's house. Instinctively reached for summer sausage. Mentally slapped myself. Longingly gazed at the cheese tray. Ate a cracker instead. Politely declined a bowl of beef stew. Made a buzzer sound as Scott reached for ranch-seasoned pretzels. Ate more crackers. Avoided the delicious-looking chip dip. Feasted on non-ranch pretzels. Headed to the restaurant. Wondered if anyone would notice me ordering chicken strips. Ordered three sides instead of an entree. Loved it all. Hung out at Grandma's for a while. Said our goodbyes. Stopped at a gas station for snacks. Quickly realized how dependent I was on cheese-based foods. Read lots of ingredients labels. Settled for Gardettos. Also settled for Frito's Honey BBQ Twists (nope, they're technically not vegan because of the honey, but bees aren't my #1 priority and that's its own blog post). Nearly finished both family-sized bags. Blamed it on road hypnosis. Got home at midnight. Went to bed before I could make any more bad choices.

So, was the day a nutritional success? Far from it, but it did help me realize how crazy we, as a culture, are about food. The concept of an "entree" has always meant meat, yet I was completely content with my garden salad, sweet potato fries, and wild rice. I also realized that, despite my life-long assumption, I do not have to eat food simply because it's in front of me at a party. Without getting overly existential, I'll just say that we realized some stuff about our habits that changed the way we looked at food ever so slightly. That being said: I think they lace Honey BBQ Twists with something illegal, because I had to physically pry myself away from that bag of crunchy, sweet deliciousness.

Day 12: The liquid vegan diet

Friday wasn't much of an exploration into the culinary depths of vegan life. In all honesty, I ate leftover Pad Thai (which was greatly improved by the addition of steamed broccoli, carrots, and peas) for lunch and skipped dinner entirely. We went to see Brett Eldredge at The Rave and I was a little more preoccupied with getting to the concert than I was with finding a nutritious meal. Consequentially, my dinner ended up being solely $8 Spotted Cows.

Since I don't have any food-related antics to share with you, I did want to address the most popular question I've been asked since we started the challenge: "can you still drink?" I always answer a little too triumphantly, "yes!" While I doubt any dieticians will claim that alcohol is an important component of the vegan food pyramid, I will admit that it's nice to still enjoy a beer during a Packer game, regardless of our diet.

It's true that some beer and wine are processed with animal by-products, like gelatin (extracted from the skin, bones, and connective tissues of animals), casein (used in processed foods and in adhesives, paints, and other industrial products), and isinglass (a substance obtained from the dried swim bladders of fish). Now, let's just stop here and ask ourselves why would we ever want those things in our bodies in the first place? I'm not one to preach that "your body is your temple," but that doesn't mean I want to voluntarily chug ground up animal bones. For some reason, it just doesn't appeal to me.

This beer is so vegan it even hangs out with vegetables.

The good news is: lots of your favorite drinks are probably already vegan! My most recent discovery is Barnivore.com which will tell you whether your favorite drink is vegan or not, and even gives you quotes directly from the company explaining why. Here's a brief sampling of vegan-friendly beer:

• New Glarus Brewery! - My sighs of relief could be heard from space when I discovered this. Includes Spotted Cow, Fat Squirrel, Staghorn, Totally Naked, and lots more.
• Blue Moon - Includes all flavors of Blue Moon except the Honey Wheat and Honey Moon. It's worth pointing out that the only reason they're not vegan is because of the honey, not because of horse hooves or anything.
• Miller - Includes High Life, MGD, Miller Lite, and Miller Chill.
• Coors - Includes regular and Light. 
• Budweiser - Includes Bud, Bud Light, and even Lime-a-rita, though I do not condone the consumption of those gut bombs.
• Corona, Dos Equis (amber & lager), Schlitz, and many more.

Sorry, Guinness fans, but your beer was filtered with fish guts. Have a good St. Patrick's Day, though!

Day 14: Squash is my new best friend

Way back in the non-vegan days (two weeks ago), our diet consisted mainly of Jimmy Johns, Erbert & Gerbert's, Pizza Hut, or whatever else we could get delivered to our doorstep so we didn't have to pause our 8th consecutive episode of Sons of Anarchy that night. The one place we would strap our boots on for at any hour of the day, was Qdoba. Once they created the Craft 2 menu, I became a mad scientist, desperate to find the most delicious combination of tacos, nachos, or quesadillas. Scott rarely strayed from a giant burrito stuffed with steak, queso, and hot sauce. We were addicted to the stuff and weren't ashamed of it. While I've suggested a few times that we go and try to build our own vegan versions, Scott immediately refuses, assuming it can only end in disappointment. In an attempt to help him realize that a vegan burrito can be delicious, I took yet another brilliant suggestion from Mel Whalen, Food Extraordinaire, and made Black Bean and Butternut Squash Burritos. Here's how it goes:

Yours wont look this pretty, and that's ok. Your burrito is beautiful just the way it is.
Photo credit: Oh She Glows.

Black Bean & Butternut Squash Burritos (makes: 4 delicious bundles of joy)

1. Preheat your oven to 425F and line a large glass dish with tinfoil. As we all know, tinfoil is the best. It entirely eliminates the need to do dishes and should really have more applications in daily life. Press it around the inside of your glass before drinking juice. Wrap it around your favorite pair of new shoes on a rainy day. Make a shirt of it when you babysit puke-prone infants. The possibilities are endless!
2. Peel and cube 1 butternut squash. These instructions will be written quite nonchalantly, giving no warning of the task that's ahead of you. This will be your first time cooking with squash and you'll go into the situation with way too much confidence. After attempting to "peel" the squash with a peeler (why would that work?!), you'll just start hacking off large chunks of it with the biggest knife you can find. Labor-intensive yet gratifying, you will eventually complete the process with a much smaller squash and most of your fingers. (You make a mental note: "invent tiny chainsaw.") After you scoop out the squash guts, you cube it up and place it in the dish. Drizzle with olive oil and add a dash of salt and pepper. Mix with your hands, because no one is here to judge you. Roast for 45 minutes until the squash is tender.
3. Cook 1/2 cup (uncooked) brown rice. You'll forget about this part until after the squash is completely done and you'll find out that the rice takes another 40 minutes to cook. Congratulations, you've just doubled your time in the kitchen for no good reason at all.
4. Saute 1 tablespoon of oil, 1 cup of chopped sweet onion, and 2 cloves of minced garlic in a large skillet. Let cook for 5 minutes on low-medium heat, stirring frequently. Add 1 teaspoon salt, 2 teaspoons ground cumin, and 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper. Stir well.
5. Add 1 chopped red pepper, 1 can of rinsed & drained black beans, and your cooked rice. Saute for another 10 minutes on low. Since you got impatient with your rice and drained it before it was done, this is a good opportunity for it finish cooking.
6. Remove your squash from the oven and let cool slightly. Add 1.5 cups of the cooked squash to the skillet and stir well. You'll start thinking about what to do with the leftovers, but they will magically disappear almost immediately after you set it aside (you'll later realize that you momentarily lost consciousness and ate the whole bowl). Nearly chopping off a few digits seems more than worth it now.
7. Add 3/4 cup of Daiya cheese to the pan. Stir well for a few more minutes until the cheese begins to melt. Scoop the mixture onto a large tortilla with desired toppings (avocado, salsa, spinach, etc.), then swaddle your beautiful creation ever so gently before you devour it. You brought that masterpiece into this world, now take it out.

These are freaking delicious. I can't get over it. If I had the physical capacity, I would have eaten a dozen of these. Scott even said that on a scale of 1 to Qdoba, they're an 8 - and that rating is huge when you consider how much that man loved his steak burritos (and cheese, and sour cream). Whether we're vegan or not in the future, we will definitely be keeping these in our rotation. They do take a little time, but it's so incredibly worth it. Stop whatever you're doing and make these now. You won't regret it.

Day 11: How am I supposed to think of another 19 blog titles this month?

We still don't know who the culprit was,
but my money's on one of these clowns.

I got home from work exhausted and dreading a new recipe. I had already resolved to make leftovers and somehow spice them up (i.e. add a can of peas) so I had a decent story to tell, but all that changed when I walked in the door. I'll save you the gory details, but one of our three animals had a rough day while we were gone. There were not one but five different piles of - well, I promised I'd spare you the details, but needless to say the house smelled disgusting. Luckily, Scott had gotten home first and had to deal with the clean up (though he did say he considered leaving, waiting til I got home, and then acting surprised when he found me cleaning it up). Ah, the joys of parenthood.

Using the excuse that we had to go buy paper towels, we decided that we might as well go out to eat if we were already going to leave the house. My friend, Mel, had suggested (probably less than 48 hours ago) that we try the black bean burger at Wicked Hop, and I've quickly learned that Mel is always right when it comes to matters of food. After all, she was the one who suggested the Mac Attack at the State Fair - a grilled cheese made with ham, bacon, tomato, and mac and cheese. I just... I can't... I don't want to talk about that anymore.

We've been to Wicked Hop countless times. It's our go-to place when we have guests from out of town and want to show them a quality brunch. I'm vehemently against breakfast foods (eggs are disgusting, syrup smells like gut rot, and morning is for the birds), but Scott is madly in love with them. Wicked Hop is the perfect balance for us, because he can get whatever sort of vomlet he wants and I would get their sliders, because it's never too early for cheeseburgers. Plus they've got a great patio and their bloody marys come with a full meal of cheese, beef, and garnish on top. Ya know what? Let's not talk about this either.

It was our first time visiting Wicked Hop for dinner and - thanks to Mel - we barely needed to glance at the menu. We both ordered the veggie burgers and fries, him with peppers on top and me with sauteed mushrooms. They arrived in a hurry and looked as delicious as promised. The burgers were made of black beans and corn, and they rested on a fluffy, golden bun. Can I say definitively that the bun was 100% vegan? Not for sure, but don't take this away from me. The mushrooms were a genius addition (yay me) and I inhaled the burger at light speed. I mean that literally. The great thing about black bean burgers it that you don't have to bother with that whole chewing thing. Everything about it was amazing. We polished off the burgers and managed to eat the entire mountain of deliciously crispy fries they came with, despite protests from our ever-expanding bellies. It goes without saying that we were satisfied with our experience. Ten points for Gryffindor, Mel.

Day 10: Frequency Illusions 101

There’s a term in psychology called the frequency illusion (I would know, because I was a Psych minor in college, so I’m basically a doctor now). It refers to the moment when something that has recently come to your attention suddenly seems to appear with improbably frequency. For example, someone buys a new car then suddenly starts to see the same model everywhere they go. Did everyone else in the city follow your lead and purchase that exact car right after you did? No. We, as humans, are really just mindless, self-centered drones who only worry about themselves. What does all of this psychobabble have to do with this blog, you ask? Well, for one… I don’t feel like cooking tonight, so you won’t get to enjoy my many uneducated failures. So, to satiate your hungry minds, here’s how my entire day was one big anti-vegan frequency illusion:

1.  I walked into work feeling great. I had woken up early, gone to the gym, and even resisted the urge to spend an obscene amount of money on a cup of soy-soaked espresso at Starbucks. I marched into our break room to put my lunch into the fridge and that’s when I saw them. Four giant boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, their lids wide open to display a cumulative 8 million calories of deliciousness. (If I’m not mistaken, these donuts are brought in every few weeks by an awesome volunteer. Yes, you read that correctly. There is a person so nice that they not only donate their time to the shelter, but also feed us pricey donuts on a monthly basis.) Every type of doughnut sat there taunting me, wafting their intoxicating smells in my direction. After I let a [metaphorical] tear roll down my cheek, I put my lunch in the fridge and pouted my way through breakfast (it was blueberries in applesauce if you must know, and yes, you can try that yourself, because it’s awesome. I invented it in grade school. Patent pending.). It wasn’t a great start, but surely that would be the end of my woes, right?
   
2. It was Health & Wellness Fair day at the shelter, so we all had the option to get a free flu shot and mingle with representatives from all of our various providers (healthcare, dental, insurance, etc.). After great debate, I decided to get a flu shot. It requires some paperwork and one of the last boxes on the form was “are you allergic to eggs?” Now, I take that to mean that I’m now harboring an omelet in my bicep, but I’m betting some scientists would disagree. Perhaps there is nothing egg-related in vaccines and the guy making the form is just pranking the entire country. “Hahaha, watch this, I bet those idiots will actually check yes or no. People are such mindless, self-centered drones.” Either way, my first incidence of vegan-cheating wasn’t me closet-eating string cheese… it was me mainlining eggs.
   
3. After the shot, I began visiting the provider booths. “Take some snacks!” said the dental provider with gelatin-based gummy snacks. “Grab a piece of candy!” said the investment representative as she polished off a Three Musketeers. It was like high school peer pressure all over again. It took every ounce of my consciousness to not regress to a nervous 15-year-old and yell “I DON’T WANT TO TOILET PAPER THE SCHOOL WITH YOU GUYS!!” and run out of the room with my hands over my ears.
   
4. Before retreating to my office – my vegan safe place – I stopped in the breakroom to fill up my water bottle. I turned around to see a box of butter-drizzled breadsticks, Papa John’s cheese pizza, and a literal pyramid of mayo-slathered subs, all of which were now stacked on top of the remaining Krispy Kremes. It was like a horror movie. I could hear the “you’re about to be stabbed in the shower” music. In a building full of hardworking people, leftovers are rare and go very quickly, yet here I was, standing in front of all of my weaknesses at once (wondering if it’s non-vegan to just smell them).

At this point you’re thinking “it’s a good thing Allie isn’t dramatic!” and you’re right about that. A lesser soul would have caved under these insurmountable pressures, but luckily I was born with nerves of steel – and a healthy fear of disappointing my loved ones.

In all seriousness, I am a little proud that I didn’t give in today and I’m surprised at how much easier a diet is when you have such a strict delineation of what you can and cannot eat. Saying “I’m going to start eating healthier” rarely gets you anywhere. You just end up leaving the lettuce and tomato on your cheese burger instead of taking it off for once. So far, we’ve committed to an entirely vegan diet for 10 days (that’s exactly 10 more cheeseless days than I ever imagined my life would entail) and it feels pretty damn good.

I imagine this duck's cabin is fully insured.

At the end of the day, I did get two very pro-vegan surprises that made me extremely happy. The first: I won a raffle from the wellness fair and got to choose from a gym bag (too small), a yoga mat (already have two), a t-shirt (already have two million), a little Aflac duck (too tiny), or a big Alfac duck wearing a flannel hat (I’LL TAKE THE FLANNEL DUCK, BOB!). When I squeeze my new prize, Gilbert Gottfried screams the company’s name three times, making it the perfect balance of obnoxious and great. The second surprise I received was a large slice of vegan lemon poppy seed cake from Outpost. No matter what sort of diet you’re accustom to, this cake is the greatest and the frosting is unbelievably good. I owe a big thank you to my coworker, Jenny, for helping me refocus on the many great options I do have instead of concentrating on all the junk I can’t eat. I just might survive after all.