Black Bean & Mushroom Tacos

I've been perpetually exhausted for the past two weeks, which means both my body and brain go directly to sweatpants mode the minute I walk in the door after work. The last thing I want to do at that point is spend an hour concocting some elaborate dinner that dirties up every pan in the house. Our of sheer laziness, I started googling "easiest vegan recipes" and found a couple gems. Coincidentally, one of those recipes involved my favorite hobby: tacos. And yes, they are a hobby when you eat them as often as I do. Here's how tonight's dinner went:

Photo credit: Glow Kitchen

Black Bean & Mushroom Tacos (makes 8 tacos)
Click here for the ingredients list and recipe card

1. Chop one small onion, 8-10 whole mushrooms, and one clove of garlic. The original recipe calls for half a jalapeno too, but I wussed out and made Scott add them on top of his own tacos later.
2. Heat all of the above in a pan with 1 tablespoon of oil over medium heat.  Do so until the onions are partially clear. Add a dash of salt and pepper.
3. Add chopped mushrooms and cook for another 3-5 minutes. Sauteed mushrooms are the best thing ever, so you'll eat half the pan before you hit the 3 minute mark. You'll also rub your eyes after chopping jalapenos and you'll wish you could pop your retinas out and dunk them in bleach.
4. Add 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper and 1/2 teaspoon cumin. Stir it up, little darlin.
5. Add one can of rinsed and drained black beans. Stir until heated through.
6. Serve on shells with avocado, salsa, lettuce, and tomato. Feast.

I loved these. The point isn't to mimic normal tacos, but instead help you realize that you can get something just as delicious and satisfying without ground beef and cheese. Even Scott enjoyed these and he's the king of hating "imitation" foods or anything that attempts to replace something he loves. The best part is that the whole meal only took about 20 minutes total and it's basically idiot-proof, which is a major plus for a klutz like me.

Well I'm going to go shamelessly play Minion Rush on my fiance's phone until daybreak (don't judge it until you've gotten absurdly addicted to it... and yes "it" is a game intended for children and mindless adults, but still). Later gators.

Day 30: Hey I made it, I'm the world's greatest

Now I wish I would have used R Kelly lyrics for all of my post titles...

I am a mountain. I am a tall tree.

Well, here we are... Cheesemas Eve. Just kidding (I think). We've made it 30 full days without ever intentionally eating animal products. I say "intentionally" because we have found out after the fact that a few random things we've eaten (like popcorn or breakfast bars) "may contain milk," but for the most part, we've done everything in our power to avoid anything that wasn't wholly vegan. I'll be the first to admit that it really wasn't so bad. In fact, we learned a ton along the way, we became much more aware about what we put into our bodies, and we ended up physically feeling better. Here's a breakdown of what we've learned:

People are absolutely insane when it comes to food.
I knew our endeavor would be met with skepticism, questions, and a good amount of jokes on our behalf, but what I didn't expect was how actively unsupportive some people would be. I guess I've never cared what other people eat, so I didn't think anyone would care about what we eat. I was wrong. Even if you're only talking about what you eat, some people will instantly feel threatened and judged, so they turn into a cornered raccoon and come at you with a vengeance. Don't believe me? Check out how many people instantly lost their minds when the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel recently posted an article about the increasing popularity of vegan diets. The insanity most definitely displays itself on both sides of the coin, but it's pretty incredible how mad some meat-eaters will get at the mere mention of the word "vegan." You guys know you're arguing about the things that other people chew, right? Let's save the passion for more important arguments... like whether or not there will ever be a Super Bowl at Lambeau Field. (It WILL happen, so save your breath, because I'm right.)

A vegan diet helps you lose* weight.
Sometimes I want to [lovingly] strangle Scott until he falls into eternal sleep, because after I spent a month busting my butt preparing two vegan meals every day for us, he lost 20lbs and *I lost exactly 0. I've told this to a few people and they're surprised on both accounts. They're amazed at how he shed weight so quickly, and they're also baffled at how a diet without meat or dairy (my two former loves) didn't lead to a slim-down for me. To that I reply: well, Scott does a good amount of manual labor on the job and he's been working out for 30 minutes a day the past week or two, while I have a desk job and have spent all of my "gym time" googling recipes, cooking, and blogging. Regardless of the reason or outcome, I've noticed how much happier Scott is since he lost the weight, and to me that's more than worth whatever weight I could have dropped myself. (Ugh, we're just too cute, aren't we?)

I feel better.
No, all my hair hasn't fallen out, I don't spontaneously faint, and haven't experienced sudden organ failure. Quite the contrary... I said this early on, but being vegan has almost entirely eliminated the sluggishness from my life. Do I still get tired? Of course. But it doesn't come with that "I desperately want to hibernate" feeling that I used to be so accustom to. I won't claim to have an abundance of energy, but I do feel much more even throughout the day; no more constant peaks and crashes. I should also mention that I went from about 20 Starbucks visits a month to 2. I drank a lot more green tea which gave me plenty of energy and saved me a whole lot of cash.
Additionally, I haven't been congested even once since the day we started the diet. This is huge, considering I used to spend 75% of my time ready to take a power drill to my sinuses. I'm told the lack of inflammation has a lot to do with dairy, so I'd like to dedicate this ladyjam to my former love... cheese.



Now to answer the two most frequently asked questions:

1. Will you keep blogging? - Yes. Just a whole lot less. Trying to blog for 30 consecutive days proved to be an insurmountable challenge. It was too much for me and there are probably posts where that came across loud and clear to readers. Rather than posting something I'm not happy with just for the sake of doing it, I'll be posting whenever I feel compelled to. Future posts certainly won't be as vegan-focused, but luckily I was blessed with the ability to extrapolate on even the most mundane of subjects, so you won't have to struggle through life without my obnoxious ramblings. (You can go celebrate in the streets now.)
2. Are you going to stay vegan? - I don't have a yes or no answer to this. What I do know for sure is that we're going to make vegan choices whenever we can. Neither of us are all that intimated by the prospect of staying vegan forever, but we also know that setting our goals too high can be a recipe for disaster. Instead, I've come up with my own diet plan and I think it's pretty damn genius if I do say so myself. Here's what we will be doing from here on out: vegan at home, vegetarian otherwise. We don't need meat and it was alarmingly easy to ditch it this month, so deciding to eliminate it long-term was a fairly obvious choice. As for the rest, the point of my VAHVO plan (god I hope that catches on) is that we already prepare at least 85% of our meals at home, so It would keep us mainly vegan, but we also aren't limited when we go out to eat or dine at someone's home. I'm sure there are vegans out there who see this as a cop out, but even one vegan meal a month is an improvement from the way we used to be eating, so VAHVO would be an insanely huge step in the right direction. Judge me if you want... I won't be able to hear you over my chants of "viva la VAHVO" anyway.

I could ramble on about what I've learned over the past month, but I'd rather take this final paragraph to thank you. If you're reading this, please know that I'm mentally koala-hugging you and I'll never let go. I started this blog as a way to prove to a select few friends and family members that I'm not cheating on my diet, but it turned into something much more powerful. Somehow I ended up with 4,000 pageviews and an overwhelming amount of encouragement. I can't tell you how much it meant to me when I started getting Facebook messages from people I had lost touch with years ago, just because they wanted to say "love the blog" or "keep it up." I resist corniness with congress-level stubbornness (LOLz P0LITICAL JOKEz), but I do want you all to know how much your support has meant to me. When I wanted to dive face-first into a vat of Parmesan, I thought of breaking the news to you in a post and decided to eat my weight in hummus instead. You really are the best, so give yourself a few dozen vegan points and a pat on the back, you majestic bundles of love.

Talk to you soon, world wide web.

Day 28: Black bean eating in the dead of night

I should have incorporated terrible food-related Beatles puns into all of my blog titles! Oh well. Twenty-eight days and a dollar short, I guess.

Tonight's dinner was Spicy Corn & Black Bean Burgers. All you need to know before I get into the recipe is that we may or may have moved our giant flatscreen TV into the kitchen so I could watch the Packer game while prepping meals for the rest of the week. It was shamelessly awesome. When your TV takes up your entire kitchen table, it starts to feel like you're cooking dinner at an IMAX movie. Plus the Packers absolutely tromped the Browns, so that helped my mood as well.

Oh yeah, the burgers. These were seriously tasty, incredibly filling, and the food processor does all the heavy lifting, so I will definitely be making these again. And again. And again. It's currently 11 p.m., so I'm going to get straight to the point in this recipe. I'm sorry to deprive you of my inane elaborations of each step, but I promise I'll make it up to you one day.

This photo is from Eat, Live, Run, because it's much prettier than an image of
me perched on my chair with the burger in hand, snarling as I hiss "my precious."

Spicy Corn & Black Bean Burgers
(makes 6-8 burgers, depending on how big you make them)
Click here for a link to the recipe and ingredients list.

1. Roughly chop and seed 1 jalapeno. You bought a dozen of them for $1 at the farmer's market, so that made you feel super thrifty and local and vegan and awesome.
2. Add the jalapeno and 2 cloves of garlic to a food processor. Mince finely.
3. Add 1 can of rinsed black beans, 2 teaspoons cumin, and 1 teaspoon salt to the food processor. Process until it looks like a thick bean dip. Because that's exactly what it is at this point, so I suppose that makes sense.
4. In a small bowl, mix together 1 tablespoon of ground flax and 3 tablespoons of water. Then let it sit for 5 minutes. You're oddly intimidated by flax, but that's ok.
5. Transfer the bean mixture to a large bowl and stir in 1/2 cup Panko breadcrumbs, 2 tablespoons of tomato sauce, the softened flax mixture, and 1/2 cup corn. Stir well until everything is combined. 
6. Add another can of rinsed black beans and stir into the bowl. Resist the urge to sit down with a spoon and eat it all on the spot. Form the burgers into patties and settle for licking your fingers afterward.
7. Heat a little olive oil in a skillet on medium high and fry the patties for about 4 minutes per side or until golden and crusty. Because on rare occasion, crusty is a good thing.
8. Serve on a whole wheat bun with avocado, salsa, sriracha, ketchup, or whatever your heart desires. Feast. Once you start, you won't be able to stop, so prepare to feel like a much happier Veruca Salt.

Just like the rest of my favorite vegan foods thus far, this meal was incredibly tasty, very filling, and made me realize just how many delicious non-meat options there really are. Not to mention how cheap they are, especially when compared to the frozen store-bought kind or dinner at a restaurant. I'm having separation anxiety about these burgers as we speak, so I'm going to go stare longingly at the leftovers in the fridge now...

Day 27: Dough-n't stop believin'

I realized that we had gone nearly a month eating all sorts of vegan dishes, but never any desserts. Rather than easing into it with muffins or cupcakes, I decided to go all in and make our own version of a Dairy Queen Cookie Dough Blizzard. It was super simple and there were only 7 ingredients, compared to more than 50 in the DQ version, plus I could actually pronounce the things I was consuming. Here's how it goes:

Heavenly photo credit: Oh She Glows

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard (makes about 1 pint)
Click here for the ingredients list and recipe card

Part 1: Making the chocolate chip cookie dough balls

1. In a food processor, add 1/2 cup unsalted cashews and 1/4 cup rolled oats. Process until it forms a fine crumble. Aren't you glad you finally invested in a food processor this weekend? Those things mean business. I can't wait to lose my first finger!
2. Add in 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1.5 tablespoons sugar, and 1/4 cup oat flour. Process a few seconds more until well mixed. You only had to go to two different grocery stores and flag down multiple mustachioed Whole Foods employees during your search for oat flour, but you prevailed! ...And will now have enough oat flour to last you the rest of your life.
3. Add in 3 tablespoons of maple syrup and 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract. The recipe will say 3-4 tbsp of syrup, but when you add 4, you'll quickly realize you've made a [delicious, delicious] mess. Onward, soldier.
4. Add in 1/4 cup of dark chocolate chips or stir in by hand. Now shamelessly drop your paw into the bowl like Pooh Bear to honey, and eat half the batter... because it's delicious. I can't get over how much this tasted like regular cookie dough, minus the salmonella risk. I would have wolfed down the whole batch, but I really wanted to try the blizzard, so I exercised a small amount of self control for the first time in my life.
5. Roll the mixture into balls and store in the freezer.

Part 2: Making the blizzard

1. In a food processor, add 3 frozen bananas and process until it reaches a soft serve consistency. You'll overdo it because you're having too much fun with your new food processor, but that's ok.
2. Add in 2 tablespoons of your cookie dough.  Blend until they're combined. I also added a tablespoon of peanut butter, just for giggles. I highly recommend it. 
3. Pour the mixture into a glass and add your desired amount of cookie dough balls. I suggest adding 1 or 2... thousand, depending on your personal preference. They're just so damn good.

So simple. So easy. And so tasty. I did two things wrong, and it was still incredibly flavorful. My first error: I added too much maple syrup which turned my cookie dough balls into more of a cookie dough glue, but I put them in the freezer to set and it helped a lot. The texture didn't matter though... love is blind, especially when it comes to cookie dough. My second error: I was too impatient to wait for my bananas to fully freeze, so I added an ice cube to the food processor. My advice to you is DO NOT DO THIS. It made my "ice cream" a little too runny, but more importantly, I nearly killed the food processor during its first use ever. It went a lot like this:





Anyway, my point is: you should go make this right meow, because it's easy, delicious, and a whole lot better for you than a cup full of DQ's Sodium Phosophapotamus Dextrate 9 Blue Palmitate.

Day 26: Don't try this at home.

This one's going to be short because I don't like to dwell on failures of this magnitude. I was so excited to try this recipe for a Vegan BLT, even though she did admit that it doesn't taste exactly like bacon, but is crispy and satisfying just the same. I've quickly realized that it's not actually meat that I've been craving over the past few weeks, but really just something fried or hearty. If I could find a suitable replacement for bacon, I'd be set for life. According to this recipe, eggplant is a good base because you can slice it to look like bacon and it absorbs seasonings well. Seemed like a logical conclusion. Unfortunately, my fake-n went horribly awry somewhere along the way.

All you have to do is use your fancy new madolin (the slicer thing, not the instrument, unless chopping vegetables with a guitar string is a hidden talent of yours, in which case, have att'er) to slice a peeled eggplant the long way. Then stir together 2 tablespoons of each maple syrup, olive oil, soy sauce, and apple cider vinegar in a dish along with 2 teaspoons of paprika and 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Lay the fake-n strips in the marinade and let it sit for a few minutes, then put them on a lined baking sheet and cook at 175F for 2-3 hours until crispy.


A couple problems here:
1) The alternative (and likely superior) option to baking for 2-3 hours, is putting the strips into a dehydrator for 12-24 hours. Now, considering I just bought my first garlic press today, it's safe to say I don't have a dehydrator laying around our tiny abode. Which brings me to problem #2...
2) Not only did my fake-n fail to get even remotely crispy after 3.5 hours in the oven, but it maintained a ridiculous level of chewiness that made it actually difficult to eat. Even the thinnest pieces were far from crispy. I briefly debated chopping it up and putting it on a sandwich anyway, but then problem #3 hit me...
3) The marinade just wasn't very good either. It just tasted like a whole lot of sweetness and not much else.

At this point you're probably thinking "that's what you get for trying to defy the laws of nature" and you're right about that. I'm sure there's a decent vegan bacon out there, but it certainly won't have come from my kitchen, and I think I'm ok with that. It wasn't as big of a failure as the collard-green-falafel nightmare, but it was the first thing we threw out in its entirety. Regardless, I'm glad we tried. The loss: one eggplant that we got for $0.33 at the farmer's market. My heart will go on.

Day 25: Don't believe everything you read on the internet

Tonight I was super excited to try what was promised to be the "GALAXY'S BEST FALAFEL THAT COULD END WARS AND ELIMINATE NATIONAL DEBT AND HELP BLIND CHILDREN SEE AGAIN." Ok, it was called "Better Than Restaurant Falafel," but the way she raved on about this stuff had me salivating hours before I had even bought the ingredients. Want to know how it went? Of course you do, because we all secretly enjoy the suffering of others.

Let me set the mood first...





Better Than Restaurant Falafel (serves - 2 people and 4 squirrels)

A plate full of lies.

1. Rinse and stem 4 cups of collard greens. I suggest skipping this step (and the rest of this recipe) and just building a fort out of collard green leaves in your living room. Spread out the leaves from one bundle of collard greens and you already have enough thatching for a homemade Quonset hut. Eco chic! 
2. Add collard greens, 1 can of chickpeas, 3 cloves of minced garlic, 1.5 tablespoons of tahini, 1.5 tablespoons of lemon juice, 1/4 teaspoon of cumin, and "a healthy pinch of salt & pepper" to a food processor or blender. Little known fact: if you're shopping for tahini at Pick 'N Save, you can find it in the unicorn section between the pixie dust and the magic beans. All you have to do is push your cart as fast as you can toward the end cap between aisles 9 and 10.
3. Once well incorporated, transfer the mixture to a bowl and stir in 3-4 tablespoons of oat flour (1 tablespoon at a time) until the mixture is thick enough to handle. They also keep the "oat flour" in aisle 9 3/4, so you can just use whole wheat or all-purpose flour.
4. Taste & adjust seasonings as needed. Then blankly wander into your living room with a look of horror on your face and say to your fiance "I'm sorry, babe... I lied. This is NOT falafel." No amount of "adjusting" will save you now, but you must press on. Maybe something magic happens once they hit the frying pan?
5. Press the mixture into 12 patties, then pan fry in a large skillet. You'll only be able to do 4 at a time, because these goo balls are impossible to flip and you'll spend half your time chasing them around the pan with your spatula. The recipe says you're supposed to "use 2 tablespoons of oil at a time" which is a pretty horribly written instruction, but I took that to mean you should use 2 tablespoons per 4 falafel..s (falafi?). This was a pretty disgusting amount of oil and I ended up actually blotting the pan to remove some of it. The patties never got crispy, just darker green and soggy. The less oil I put in, the better consistency they turned out.
6. Cook until both sides are golden brown. Don't worry, they never will be, so just pull them off the pan after about 8-10 minutes and accept the things you cannot change.
7. Serve immediately with hummus. We put them in a pita with hummus, kalamata olives, lettuce, and tomato. I did use her "MIND NUMBINGLY STELLAR YUM YUM HUM HUM" recipe (ok, it was called "My Ultimate Hummus" and it was certainly more successful than the falafel, but it still wasn't my favorite.
8. Re-read all of the recipe's comments and realize that all the "5 stars!" are coming from people who have yet to actually make the recipe, and suddenly notice all of the "did I do something wrong?"s and "this tastes nothing like falafel"s. The latter group of people clearly shares my woes. I don't believe that using whole wheat flour instead of the mythical "oat flour" would change the taste all that drastically. I followed her directions to a T otherwise. What it came down to was this: she made veggie fritters that were meant to taste like the giant leaves they were made of, yet the rest of us were expecting the mind blowing falafel we were promised. Two totally different wavelengths. 

Scott said it tasted like lemon grass, and he meant it in the literal way (citrus and lawn clippings) not the trendy smoothie bar way. Once they were buried in the pita with all the toppings, they weren't unbearable. We each ate two pitas out of desperation. With each bite, I couldn't help but think "this is what non-vegans think we eat every day" if that gives you any perspective. Scott got creative and added some tortilla chips to his pita to help get rid of the mushy texture. I over-fried the last batch in a desperate attempt to burn away the seaweed taste, but nothing helped. We had 7 patties left over and they went straight from the pan to the back yard (don't judge, that's how we compost) so I'll be curious to see if the local wildlife puts it to good use or not. As for you, loyal reader, if this still somehow sounds incredibly delicious to you, just know that I do not endorse this recipe and any disappointment you may incur is at your own risk.

Day 24: Freezin' for a vegan

Once again, laziness struck and I couldn't bring myself to meal plan, grocery shop, and cook all in one night. My brilliant idea was to explore the world of vegan convenience foods, so we walked to Whole Foods and raided their freezers. The first display we came across was full of Chinese food, so we figured we'd give it a shot. We left with four different frozen items and everything was cooked within 10 minutes of getting home (aside from the egg rolls, since we decided to bake them). Here's how it went, starting with the worst and working our way up to the best.

Whole Foods Brand Vegetable Potstickers"Traditional thin dumpling dough filled with shiitake mushrooms and a variety of vegetables including napa cabbage, celery, bok choy, and carrots."
These certainly weren't bad, I just think we're not potsticker people. Or maybe it was my inability to follow directions when I cooked them... I know there shouldn't be much complication to pan frying, but I'm physically incapable of reading beyond the first line of directions, so I can't be held accountable for what happens after "heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a skillet over medium heat." Long story short, they never really seemed cooked and my tears of confusion only made them soggier. I doubt I've ever had napa cabbage or bok choy on their own, so maybe one of those were the offending source. Who knows. The final verdict: a 4 in our book, but they got great ratings online, so don't let us deter you. 

Whole Foods Brand Vegetable Fried Rice"A vegan mix of seasoned long grain white rice stir-fried with bits of onion, carrots, corn, red bell pepper, green peas, and scallions."This was a nice, unique mix that had more complexity than most kinds we've had. I could have done without the peppers, but Scott liked them. My favorite part was the fact that I could dump the bag into a bowl and microwave it, the way our ancestors intended. The carrots were... soft, and the corn was... yellow - I don't really know how to talk about food in an eloquent manner, much less a bag of microwave rice, so I'm just gonna wrap this one up in a hurry. The rice was good. I'd give it a 7... on the rice scale.

Whole Foods Brand Vegetable Egg Rolls
"A crisp and flaky crust surrounds a seasoned mix of green cabbage, edamame, water chestnuts, carrots, celery, onion, and brown rice."
These were Scott's favorite and I was a fan, too. I didn't dare microwave these, so I chose to bake them instead... even though everything else was cooked on the stove top before the oven even preheated. Again, forethought isn't my strong suit in the kitchen. Since we had already finished everything else by the time these had spent 20 minutes in the oven, we had egg rolls for dessert - a trend I fully believe will catch on eventually. These things were tasty. I'd throw a 7 their way - Scott says 8 (too bad it's not your blog, buddy bear).


Gardein Mandarin Orange Crispy Chick'n"A quick & easy meal that's award winning, better than takeout, and entirely meat-free."
I loved this. I'm in love with this. I want to give it a ring, buy it a home, and make it Facebook official. What I'm trying to say is: this particular food tasted a lot better than a lot of other foods do. It was exceptionally chickeny (that's a common thing food critics say, right?) and had a much better texture than the "chicken" you get from Chinese takeout places - whatever that actually is. I loved the sauce, too. It was sweet but not sickly. Well, here we are again... you hoping to hear a fellow adult share their educated opinion on a product, and me lacking the refined palate and vocabulary to express myself. Let's jump straight to the big fat 10 I'm giving these strangely flat but excessively addicting chick'n strips. I may live on these alone for the remainder of my [inevitably shortened] life.

Day 23: Sky Mall

Nope. Still no recipes. I got home from work too late to grocery shop, so we challenged ourselves to make dinner with whatever was already in our nearly barren pantry. The obvious choice was spaghetti with marinara sauce... supplemented with a jar of pizza sauce. I got the brilliant idea to make tempeh meatballs. Unfortunately, there are about eighty different tempeh meatball recipes online, all of which call for at least a dozen ingredients and an hour in either the oven, steamer, or some sort of kiln. Ain't nobody got time for that. Instead, I decided to just drop the tempeh in a pan, cook it with a little oil and Earth Butter (because I don't know, that's why), and throw in heaps of pre-mixed seasonings before combining it all with the pizza sauce. The final product: something weird, nutty, and bland. But hey, it was... food.

Let's move onto something that is NOT food-related, but is still wildly adored by all: SKY MALL.

The best part about air travel is perusing Sky Mall, looking at ridiculously priced items that probably shouldn't exist in the first place. Does the world really need a $400 picture frame that goes around your TV to help it "seamlessly blend with your decor?" No. Would anyone actually purchase a 76" media storage tower that can hold 2,262 CDs, 936 DVDs, or 528 VHS tapes? I hope not. Who cares about a robot that cleans your windows? ...Me, actually. Can I borrow $399?

Let's take a look at a few of my favorite bad ideas in Sky Mall. (If you own any of the items listed below, please know that I only tease because I secretly wish I possessed all of these treasures.)

The Human Slingshot
For just $99.99, you can purchase this elastic injury-machine to ensure your child gets at least a dozen concussions before they graduate from high school! The description says that this 66" x 126" band is part of an "exhilarating, fast-paced game that involves four people slinging each other back and forth," but why stop there when you could plop your teenagers directly into a Roman catapult? I think the reviewer named Kimbojoe really captured the essence of this product best: "I bought this for my son, who is 15, but we have been using it! It's super fun and good exercise. A bit dangerous for a 40 something woman and a bunch of drunks, but given only 1 hurt shoulder and 1 bloody nose, it was well worth it!" Party on, Kimbojoe.

One of a Kind Shirt
Ahh yes. The outfit of choice for a classy circus clown who needs a night away from the big top. I can't get through the description without thinking I'm getting Punk'd. "These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties, or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd." Well, yes, I'll definitely agree that you would stand out in a crowd, but unfortunately I don't even think Snooki would hang out with you while you're rocking this sweet "piece of art." Thinking of requesting your own horrendous combination of scrap fabrics? No such luck... the colors and patterns aren't revealed until the package is opened. P.S. This costs $129.99, but if you buy two they'll only charge you $199.99.

Nano-UV Portable Disinfection Wand
Men in Black meets Monk? Sorry, germaphobes, but if a $160 wand could effectively kill every microorganism in sight, this product would be a staple in every American home by now. I'm sure it's fun to pretend you're Luke Skywalker, but this glorified night light is never going to save you from produce bugs, public restrooms, or the unspeakable horrors of a hotel bedspread.

The Peeing Boy of Brussels
Nope. Everything about this, nope. The description says "this delightful sculpture will bring timeless art to your home or garden," but let's not overlook the fact that you would have a four-foot statue of a child urinating in your front yard. Sure, Duquesnoy may have thought this was cute when he created the original statue in 1619, but the whole point of civilization is realizing that some things just weren't meant to withstand the test of time. If you decide to ignore my warnings and put this concerning piece of faux stone in your lawn, just know that it will cost you $229 - and your kids will complain when their friends' parents don't let them come over anymore.

Cat Toilet Training System
I have nothing to say except: do they offer overnight delivery?

Day 22: Vegan comfort food

Ok friends, so I was going to try to scrape up posts for the last two days and post three of them today now that we're home from Florida, but let's be honest... no one wants to hear me talk about eating fast-food falafel for three straight days. Am I happy that we kept that nice man's wrap business going strong over the weekend? Sure. But I'd also like to pass along the following disclaimer: eating falafel for an extended period of time will lead to excessive body-stank. I, despite being fully showered and laundered, smelled like a spice rack the whole plane ride home from Florida. Moral of the story: if you're hopping aboard a singles cruise, I suggest skipping the Falafel Diet.

Let's fast-forward to tonight. We went to Comet Cafe for the second time since the challenge started - the first was for breakfast (a 5 out of 10, I'd say, but no breakfast food aside from bacon has ever elicited more than a 6 from me). This time we went for dinner with friends. I've heard amazing things about a lot of the vegan options on the Comet menu, so I was admittedly excited. For anyone who isn't familiar, Comet's style is "slow food" and focuses on comfort food made from scratch. Naturally, we ordered three things, because gluttony is fun. Here's what I thought.

Vegan Gyro "Our homemade seitan in a warm pita, with tomato, onion, and shredded lettuce. Comes with vegan cucumber dill sauce and a side of fries." $8.50
I liked this. It was definitely filling and tasted good. The trouble was, you can't help but compare it to a real gyro which overwhelms you with seasoning and flavor. Had I somehow not thought of it as a gyro, I probably would have enjoyed it more. It just lacked the spices I was looking forward to. I wasn't a fan of the dill sauce but I never have been, and the gyro could have been dramatically improved with some kalamata olives and chopped cucumber. (And some feta cheese... - What? Who said that?) All in all, it was probably a 7 for me. Somewhere between "not half bad" and "let's throw a parade."

Vegan Meatloaf Sandwich "A thick slice of "meatloaf" with chive mashed potatoes, grilled tomato, and onion. Served open faced with salted rye bread and vegan gravy." $11.00
If you're thinking "why would you ever order vegan meatloaf?" then you've clearly never had Comet's meatloaf. It's a plate full of pure happiness. Yes, the regular meatloaf sandwich has 100% more bacon than the vegan version, but it was still worth a shot. I'm glad we rolled the dice on this one, because it was awesome. The gravy was amazing, the mashed potatoes were delicious, and the "meatloaf" was surprisingly tasty. It's like an entire Thanksgiving meal on one plate. I don't know if it was better or worse than the actual meat version, but we were big fans and would gladly order it again.

Vegan Deep Fried Ribs "Hot or BBQ vegan riblets, beer battered and fried. Served with hand-cut fries and vegan chive mayo." Full rack $11.00 - Half rack $7.00
These are so. damn. good. Our non-vegan friends raved about them and insisted we try them, and I'm so glad we did. I don't think I'd classify them as riblets - they don't really look like anything you've ever seen before and don't really taste all that rib...y - but I could have eaten heaps of them. They come with the sauce on the side (we ordered both BBQ & hot) so the riblets were super crispy and delicious, right up until I inhaled them. The plate was empty about two minutes after it arrived. I definitely suggest getting the full rack, as you still only get about 7 or 8 smaller pieces. Or... if you know you've still got a meatloaf sandwich and a gyro to eat, you could just not gorge yourself and eat in normal human portions. Your call.

Additional fun fact: Comet was offering $2 cans of beer with a free koozie (of which I'm a hoarder) and then a $1 off each subsequent beer. Life was good today, friends. Life was good.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go suffer the world's first vegan heart attack.

Day 19: Falafel-ly delicious!

We noticed a few vegan options on the menu in the hotel restaurant, so we chose to stay in for lunch. I ordered the hummus wrap with mushrooms, tomatoes, and cucumbers. It was... food. That's about the most excited I can get about it. Scott ordered the grilled tofu with an orange glaze, snow peas, and coleslaw. He thought it was good enough, but I was just as underwhelmed with his lunch as I was with mine. At least it only cost $40.

Apparently ALL of the hummus balances
precariously on the very edge of
the pita in this photo.

After the next two conference sessions wrapped up, I was starving.  We found a place called Great Wraps in the food court at Jacksonville Landing and figured that was our only safe bet.  Our options were a hummus & veggie wrap (sounds familiar) or a falafel pita. I'd never had falafel before and was desperate to not repeat the disappointment we overpaid for at lunch. Falafel it is!

Now, let me be clear... I'm disappointed. Not a single one of you ever told me how delicious falafel is! Why must you deprive me of one of the only fried foods I'm still able to enjoy?! It was crispy, filling, and completely satiated my craving for chicken strips. (Are you still technically a vegan if you crave fried chicken?) I don't know if I'll ever try to make it myself, because I'm fairly certain I'd ruin it, but I will definitely be ordering at restaurants in the future.

Other things I've seen so far in Jacksonville:

• A lady taking her sleepy kitten for stroll down the riverwalk.
• Lots of military helicopter flyovers.
• SO MANY NICE LIZARDS.
• The Maxwell House coffee factory (one of only two in the country, I'm told)
• EverBank Field, home of the Jaguars. It was built in '95 and it looks like they never bothered finishing it. Still cool to see another NFL stadium, though.
• An all-black utility van being used as an ice cream truck while blasting children's songs remixed with rap beats. The sign in the windshield said "HOT NUTS $3.75." Quite the entrepreneur.
• A German-themed marathon going past our hotel. Lots of sweaty lederhosen.
• A miniature pig walking down the riverwalk in a tiny pink dress.

 I like you, Jacksonville. You're alright by me.

Our walk from dinner back to the hotel. Not too shabby, J-ville.